Harry Potter and the Prisoner of War
by Autumnstar17
Summary: Harry's 3rd year at Hogwarts with a questionably sane director; written as a continuation to Darth Maligna's first two Harry Potter fanfics in easy-to-read script format.


**Harry Potter and the Prisoner of War**

Re-directed by Emily Claus

**PLEASE NOTE: These scripts are written as a continuation of Darth Maligna's first two. So don't kill me if the ideas aren't 100% original.**

EMILY'S LAWYER: Before we begin, I would like to announce the fact that this is a parody. If you'd prefer to see every exact detail, please just read the friggin' book already. Or watch the movie, which this is based off of more, due to the fact that it takes much less time. Also, Emily would like me to add here that it's not because she's lazy. Finally, I must cover copyright issues: if you think Emily owns Harry Potter or anything about it, you've got to be absolutely insane. JKR owns it, so screw you. Thank you.

EMILY: *bursts in and stares at audience* Oh, god. I actually can't believe I'm seeing most of the same faces…

AUDIENCE: Neither can we. Apparently, like you, we have nothing better to do than be here.

EMILY: *nods sympathetically* Yes, it's sad but true. Anyway, back to business: welcome to my re-directing of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of War!

AUDIENCE: Prisoner of War? Come on, you could've done better than that!

EMILY: Actually, I do believe my title creativity died within the first two films.

AUDIENCE: Such a shame.

EMILY: Yes, it really is. Now sit back, shut up, and please refrain yourselves from criticizing my poorly written script!

AUDIENCE: *doesn't even bother to argue this time*

Alright, so the beginning starts out with Harry, as well as the rest of the Durleys, just as they're inviting in 300-pound Aunt Marge and one of her bulldogs. You'd think after the first two films Harry would have found somewhere else to stay, but never mind that. At dinner, Harry stands around in the kitchen while Marge talks about her apparent little knowledge about dogs.

MARGE: Hey, where was it you said the boy went again?

VERNON: Stonewall, I think.

MARGE: Oh. Do they beat kids there?

VERNON: I should hope so.

HARRY: No, uh, isn't that against the law?

MARGE: Who asked you? *turns back to Vernon* His father was a drunk, wasn't he?

HARRY: My father wasn't a drunk!

MARGE: …Right. Well, it was definitely the mother's genes, then. As I always say, if they're something wrong with the bitch, then there's something wrong with the pup!

AUDIENCE: Language! Language!

Harry, about to scream something else, somehow manages to, once again, perform unintentional under-aged magic. The glass in Marge's hand breaks, and her whole arm begins to swell up. While the rest of the Dursleys panic, she inflates more and more until she finally looks like that frog balloon from Shrek and then flies away. Don't you just love the music playing to make the scene seem more exciting? Oh yeah, then Harry runs upstairs to pack his things, and Dudley's watching porn while all this is going on.

VERNON: *as Harry's coming downstairs again* Bring her back! Bring her back right this instant!

HARRY: No, she deserved what she got!

VERNON: Actually, I suppose you're right. But still.

HARRY: Think about it: you're going to be so much happier without her. Be honest for once; you don't have to be a wizard to see that you were miserable with her as your mother.

VERNON: Yeah, I know.

EMILY: *smacks Vernon in the back of the head*

VERNON: I mean, uh, no! You bring her back right now; blah, blah, blah!

HARRY: No! *storms out of the house*

Harry goes to a park to cheer himself up. After about a half hour of playing around, he gets bored and sits down, suddenly realizing that what he did was very stupid indeed.

EMILY: *sits down next to Harry* Missed me?

HARRY: Gah! You just never go away, do you?

EMILY: Nope!

HARRY: *sighs*

Suddenly, a black Chihuahua comes out from a bunch of bushes and snarls. Just as suddenly, a school bus slams its breaks in front of Harry, blocking his view of the dog. When he looks back, it's gone.

RANDOM GUY: *pops out from bus and reads off index card* Hello, welcome to the Knight Bus, assistance for the stranded witch, vampire, werewolf, mermaid, fairy, or wizard, or any cross-breed. I'm Stan Shunpike, the conductor. *looks at Harry* And what's your name?

HARRY: Uh, Neville Longbottom.

EMILY: He's Harry Potter, and I'm his director.

STAN: *suspicious* Aren't the directors supposed to stay behind scenes? Like, off-camera?

EMILY: Watch it, or you might be an extra again sooner than you'd think. Or I could just remove your lines. Or you can be involved in a terrible accident. Who knows? I haven't finished writing the script yet! *evil look*

STAN: *gulps* …Right. Well, in you get!

HARRY: *reaches for his bags*

EMILY: *shoves Harry in as Stan picks them up for him*

STAN: *carries Emily in* Is there anything I get you? Would you like a drink, Your Highness?

EMILY: *sticks tongue out at Harry* See, I should keep you around for the next few movies!

STAN: *hopeful look*

On the bus there are several loose beds rolling about on wheels, one other customer (some old man who is asleep on one of the beds), and another old man, Ernie, is in the driver's seat with his pet shrunken head, who looks oddly Britney Spears in rehab.

STAN: *unfolds a magazine*

HARRY: Hey, I thought Dumbledore was the only guy who reads Playwitch?

STAN: *chuckles* Actually, he lent it to me.

HARRY: He did? *looks at cover* Then… who's that?

STAN: Who's that? Who's _that_? That's Sirius Pink. Mighty fine male model he was, that one… until, you know, he went to Azkaban.

HARRY: Azkaban? Why?

STAN: 'Cuz he's a murderer. And then he broke out of Azkaban.

HARRY: How?

STAN: Nobody knows; that's the mystery!

EMILY: Is this bus even moving yet?

HEAD: *smacks Ernie, who fell asleep in the drivers' seat*

ERNIE: *wakes up* Huh? Wuh? Oh, right! *slams on gas pedal*

The Knight Bus takes off at a speed easily comparable to the director on a sugar high (which also can be compared to a four-year-old with ADD), flying back and forth between traffic. The beds roll around on wheels in the bus, managing to slam Harry into a window, causing Emily to burst into laughter immaturely.

HARRY: Don't you think the muggles would see us?

STAN: Muggles? They don't see anything!

EMILY: *eh-hem*

STAN: Oh yeah. Well, except for you, uh… Your Majesty.

HARRY: *sighs* This is never going to get old for you, is it?

EMILY: Nope!

And so the Knight Bus continues to swerve around the road, nearly killing an old lady and managing to squeeze through two double-decker buses. The shrunken head, which has been nicknamed 'Future Britney' by the director, continues to make funny yet rather annoying comments all the while. When the bus finally comes to a stop, it hits the car in front of it and makes the alarm go off.

EMILY: I remember when we had a mocking bird that could make those sounds…

HARRY: I remember when Hedwig used to make those sounds…

STAN: Sometimes in my sleep I still make those sounds!

ALL: *stare at Stan*

STAN: Sorry.

The door opens for Harry and Emily to get off.

STAN: So, uh, does this mean I get to be in the next film?

EMILY: Uh… no. But you can be a death eater under the imperious curse and go to Azkaban only to break out and then assumedly be free and good again in the seventh book?

STAN: *shrugs* Works for me, as long as I get paid.

HARRY: Wait, we get paid for this?

EMILY: No, you don't.

HARRY: Why not?

EMILY: It's called volunteer work, which is basically a legal version of slavery. Besides, I cashed your check in because I needed to get Julia something for her birthday.

HARRY: But that doesn't seem very fair!

EMILY: Yes it is. For me, anyway.

HARRY: *sighs, case being lost*

Then the Hunchback of Notre Dame shows up and escorts Harry and his evil stalking director into some giant building.

QUASIMODO: *shoves Harry inside and looks at Emily suspiciously*

EMILY: *smacks him in the head with a clipboard*

QUASIMODO: *grunts and lets Emily inside*

AUDIENCE: Quasimodo? That's not his name!  
EMILY: Oh yeah? Then what is it?

AUDIENCE: Um… uh…

EMILY: Exactly, you don't know it either. Now shut up. *waves clipboard around threateningly*

AUDIENCE: *shuts up*

Inside some sort of officey-thingy-thing… place

The actors are watching Emily nervously. Cornelius Fudge is sitting at a desk with Hedwig nearby… No, wait. He's sitting ON the desk… Okay: He's dancing on the desk as Quasimodo drags Harry in by the ear and shoves him down into a chair. The director stands back to watch her setup, quite pleased with herself.

AUDIENCE: I think you're starting to scare us even more than you did before.

EMILY: Yes, that's part of my goal. You're no longer just watching to movie – you're IN the movie. You know those big fight scenes where lots of people die? Where do you think all those extras come from? But don't worry about that now – I'm getting ahead of myself.

AUDIENCE: *exchange nervous glances*

HARRY: Am I in trouble for blowing up my Aunt, then?

FUDGE: Harry. You've broken all the rules already, what makes you think we're going to punish you now of all times?

HARRY: I don't know. I suppose the series would end here, then?

EMILY: *shakes head* No, that will never do. Then I'd have to find another movie to screw up.

AUDIENCE: *nods excitedly* Yes, please do!

EMILY: *glares at audience* I'd be dragging along you with me if I did.

HARRY: You know, maybe I should get expelled or something then? Then maybe this director person would stop stalking me…

EMILY: I've got one word for you, Harry: prequel.

HARRY: *facepalm*

QUASIMODO: *randomly shoving trays of food in front of Harry as all this is going on*

FUDGE: Smart bird you've got here. She arrived just before you did.

EMILY: Yes, I installed her with a GPS system… *evil grin*

HARRY: You did what to my bird?

EMILY: Nothing. I suggest you stop asking ridiculous questions like that.

HARRY: *horrified expression as he realizes everything else the director could have done*

Randomly cut to a scene in a hotel room. Harry is staring at all the extra suitcases Emily left in his room and an enormously large pile of school supplies.

HARRY: Where did all of this come from, anyway? *shrugs and picks up a fluffy white book with giant floppy rabbit ears, little eyes, a nose, and whiskers entitled 'The Cute Book of Cute Woodland Creatures' from the top of a stack of books* Wow, I wonder what class this is for?

Just then the Cute Book of Cute Woodland Creatures, or the Evil Bunny Book of Doom, as Emily calls it, jumps up at tries to maul Harry with its sharp vampire-like bunny teeth. Harry screams like a little girl, drops the book and hides under a blanket on his bed. The book then runs, er, slides under the bed.

HARRY: *looks under bed cautiously*

BOOK: *lunges at Harry's face while foaming at the mouth*

Harry then sits up as the book comes out, looks around, and then slides back under the bed. Harry takes of his shoe and drops it by the foot of the bed, causing the book to attack it so he can stomp on top of the poor little bunny and secure the lock around it.

HARRY: Well, that was weird. Gosh, it's so quiet without that director in the same room! I wonder what trouble she's getting into now? *goes to make sure Emily hasn't blown anything up yet and whatnot*

Meanwhile, Emily is sitting on the table in the inn's restaurant while listening to her iPod, which doesn't quite match its surroundings and basically looks very out of place.

EMILY: *puts iPod away* Oh, Harry should be coming down any minute. Wouldn't it be so convenient to have Ron and Hermione just happen to be staying at the same inn so the protagonists can meet? Where are they, anyway?

CAMERA MAN: Uh, they're not here right now. Ron's in Egypt with his family and Hermione is at home.

EMILY: Since when did we have a camera man?

CAMERA MAN: I've always been here. I'm always here. I'm the first one to get here, the last one to friggin' go. I'm sorry, that's too personal. I, uh, I'll get Ron and Hermione in here. *hands Emily a 'teleport' button and disappears back behind the camera*

EMILY: *takes button and slams it as hard as humanly possible for 'effect'*

Ron and Hermione suddenly teleport into the room; Ron is holding Scabbers, and Hermione's got this… fluffy orange thing, which is slightly less cute the Cute Book of Cute Woodland Creatures.

RON: Wuh? Hermione? What happened? I was in Egypt with my family one minute, and now… I'm so confused!

HERMIONE: *spots Emily from across the room* The director… it's back.

RON: Shoot. Well, that just figures. We've gotta tell Harry to stop letting her stalk him. Well, what do we do now?

HERMIONE: *shrugs* I say we act like we've been here the whole time when Harry comes to stay on the director's good side.

RON: *nods vigorously* Yes, that's a good plan. So what should we be doing, then?

HERMIONE: Why don't we argue about something?  
RON: Okay, uh… You keep that thing of yours away from Scabbers!

HERMIONE: What? Why?

RON: *whispers* Improvising!

HERMIONE: Oh, right! Um, well, he's a cat! What did you expect? Cats eat rats.

RON: You call that thing a cat?

Just then Harry walks into the doorway at the top of the stairs. He eyes the director suspiciously, then runs down to greets Ron and Hermione excitedly.

HARRY: Ron! Hermione! I didn't know you guys were staying here?

RON: We weren't. Why don't you go ask your little friend over th-

HERMIONE: *jabs Ron with her elbow* Oh, yes. Quite convenient, really. So what are you doing here?

RON: *glares at Hermione*

HARRY: Oh, I blew up my aunt and then ran away from home. Then the director found me and brought me here.

HERMIONE: Oh. Fascinating.

RON: You're kidding me, right? Why don't you just get rid of that-

HERMIONE: *elbows Ron again*

EMILY: *gives Hermione a thumbs-up*

Later that day, probably around lunchtime, Ron and Harry are having an… interesting conversation as Emily listens intently from across the table.

RON: See? I told you, Harry; six inches.

HARRY: Six? You're kidding me, that's gotta be at least seven!

RON: Seven? That's impossible!

HARRY: Impossible? How so?

RON: C'mon, Harry; they never got that long.

HARRY: Oh, really? How's yours, then?

RON: *grimaces* Four and a half…

HARRY: *smirks*  
RON: Oh yeah? Well, let's see you do better!

HARRY: *puffs out his chest proudly* Nine.

EMILY AND RON: *stare mouths opened and then begin applauding*

HERMIONE: *walks over* You guys are so immature! Must I be the one to remind you two in this film? We're _only_ thirteen years old. Thirteen!

HARRY: Exactly, thirteen. We're teenagers, so we can do whatever we want and not bother to think about the consequences until it's too late!

RON: Right. Besides, we were only comparing wand sizes.

HERMIONE: Wand sizes? Oh, my bad, then… *walks away slightly embarrassed*

HARRY: *salutes Ron* Good cover-up.

RON: Thank you, Harry. Now, where were we? Ah, yes: *winks at Emily*

EMILY AND RON: All hail Potter! *bow respectfully*

ARTHUR: *pops in between Ron and Harry* Hello, boys! What have you been up to?

RON: Uh, hi, Dad. We were just… comparing wand sizes.

ARTHUR: Of course. *winks*

RON: And what have you been up to?

ARTHUR: Oh, just helping progress the scene. Harry, do you mind if I can have a word with you?

HARRY: Of course, sir.

Arthur takes Harry to a slightly darker and more serious-looking part of the room where there is a WANTED poster for Sirius Pink hanging on the wall.

ARTHUR: Harry, I just want to warn you not to go looking for any murders or anything, okay?

HARRY: Good god, why would I do that?

ARTHUR: Oh, just because someone wants to kill again this year. Anyway, just forget about it; you'll find out within the next several chapters or so.

HARRY: Wait, who-

ARTHUR: Anyway, gotta go! Tea and crumpets, don'tcha know! *runs away before Harry can interrogate him*

HARRY: *walks back to the table*

RON: You look disturbed, Harry. What was that all about?

HARRY: Your dad just told me someone wants to kill me again this year, and he won't say who.

RON: *shrugs* Just get used to it, Harry. People are gonna want to kill you for the next four years anyhow, so it's just as well.

HARRY: Oh, wow. That really made me feel better.

RON: Glad to be of service!

Alright, skip all the way to the train scene!

RON: Tra-la-la-la-la!

EMILY: No, I meant on the train to Hogwarts. Literally.

RON: Oh, right.

EMILY: It's alright, when you're 21 you may come out.

RON: Dang, I have to wait that long?

EMILY: Yes. Don't worry, it's not that bad. It's not like it'll be a surprise then or anything. You can drink then too.

RON: We can drink at Hogwarts?

EMILY: Well, technically you'd have graduated by then…

RON: *does victory dance*

On the train

HERMIONE: Oh my, it seems all the seats are full! Oh well, I guess we'll have to just sit with this random sleeping guy.

HARRY: Uh, no they're not…

HERMIONE: *shoves Harry in* Yes they are, now shut up.

RON: Who is that guy anyway?

HERMIONE: Remus Lupin.

RON: Hey, how'd you know that?

HERMIONE: It says right here. *holds up a stack of papers* Honestly, Ron. Don't you ever read the script?

RON: Well, you see, it keeps changing… by the minute.

HARRY: Exactly. Plus, the director's now charging per scene. And if you don't tip her? Look out.

RON: *nods in agreement* Hey, where is she anyway?

HERMIONE: *shrugs* Probably attacking the craft service table or something.

HARRY: Yes, most likely.

A couple hours later or something, the train suddenly comes to a complete stop.

EMILY: Oh, gosh. That's too boring; let me fix it.

AUDIENCE: *groan*

CAST: *look at each other nervously*

So then the train goes completely berserk and all of a sudden begins to speed up. Someone is screaming from another room 'runaway train!' at the top of their lungs. Then the wrath of God comes down and smashes it into… no, wait, wrong movie. So then they just pull into Hogwarts and all is right with the world again.

HARRY: So that's it?

EMILY: Nah, I'm just messing with you.

Then the train continues to go at the speed of light. Somewhere a priest is praying for Emily to come to her senses and spare the semi-innocent children of Hogwarts. Luckily, just then Emily runs out of Tic-Tacs and goes to get more candy, forgetting all about the runaway train, which then comes to a complete stop to the relief of everyone on it; cast, crew, and audience.

HERMIONE: Of course she came up with this through candy. It just goes to figure.

RON: Well, we can be happy it's over now.

AUDIENCE: No, it's not. It's never over.

RON: What do you mean?

HARRY: Ron, quite obviously you haven't spent half as much time with the director as we have.

HERMIONE: Well, we both can be thankful for that.

HARRY: Okay, so what comes next?

RON: …I think I'm scared to find out.

Just then it starts to get very cold. The window freezes up, as well as a random glass of water just sitting on its sill to show off the work of the special effects crew, once again. Ron leans over and presses his tongue to window frame, where it gets stuck.

RON: 'Arry, oi tink we're not in Kansas ay'more.

HARRY: Don't be an idiot, Ron, we were never in Kansas.

HERMIONE: So where are we, then?

RON: Naw'nia?

HARRY: *shakes head* No, I don't think so. If we were, where's the lamp post and Mr. Tumnus?

That's when the door slides open slowly and a cloaked figure makes its way into the doorway.

HERMIONE: *points* See that, Harry? It could be a sick and twisted Edgar Allen Poe version of Aslan.

HARRY: *stares in awe* Goodness, Hermione. I think you're right!

ASLAN: I'm a dementor, dammit!

HERMIONE: I told you. Sick, twisted, demented… same thing. Yup, that's definitely Aslan.

HARRY: Well, I suppose you're right, then.

RON: *tries to turn around with this tongue stuck to the metal*

DEMENTOR: Fine, I give up. I'll just kill you then.

HARRY: Ack, so Mr. Weasley was right when he said someone was trying to kill me!

HERMIONE: Someone's always trying to kill you, Harry. You'd better get used to it.

So the dementor, or Aslan, flies over to Harry and tries to perform the 'Dementor's French Kiss'.

HARRY: Not the tongue, not the tongue!

RON: 'Ungue, 'ungue!

DEMENTOR: *evil grin*

AUDIENCE: Wait, they don't really have faces… so technically they can't 'grin'.

EMILY: Shut up.

HERMIONE: Hey, if you're just standing there eating candy, can't you help out or something?

EMILY: *looks at Skittles* Aw…

Emily walks to the end of the room, unlatches the window to Ron's horror, and rolls it down while the dementor is feeling up Harry.

EMILY: Hey, Aslan!

DEMENTOR: Would you quit – *turns around*

EMILY: *waves bag of Skittles in front of him, then flings it out the window*

The dementor soars out of the window to get the Skittles, when the train starts moving again.

HARRY: I can't believe my first was with Aslan… *faints*

RON: 'E's still a 'irgin, 'ite?

HERMIONE: Technically he did get to first base with you. And I couldn't quite tell, but I think he may have stolen second…

About half an hour later Harry wakes up, Ron still can't feel his tongue, Hermione is reading, and Lupin and Emily are playing some sort of complicated candy dealing game by the window.

HERMIONE: Oh, Harry! You're awake.

HARRY: W-What happened?

RON: You fainted after Aslan made out with you.

HARRY: Dang.

LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate. It'll help.

EMILY: *grabs a Hershey's bar out of the candy stash and shoves it in Harry's face*

HARRY: *takes bar nervously*

Randomly jump to a scene at the Great Hall. Dumbledore gets up to make his speech.

DUMBY: Welcome back to Hogwarts!

AUDIENCE: *rolls eyes* Dumby? Again?

EMILY: Shut up and pay attention!

AUDIENCE: *looks up at Emily* Hey, what are you doing at the teachers' table this year..?

EMILY: *glares* I promoted myself. And I got a pay raise with a corner office.

DUMBY: This year we will be having a million-bajillion dementors on campus looking for Sirius Pink, so don't do anything stupid that the director wouldn't even be willing to do.

EMILY: Oh, I'd do anything. I'm immortal.

DUMBY: *sighs* Alright, then let's just stick to 'don't do anything stupid', savvy?

STUDENTS: *nod awkwardly*

DUMBY: Oh, and Hagrid will be our new Care of Magical Creatures professor as well.

HAGRID: *stands up and knocks over the entire teachers' table*

STUDENTS: *applause as dishes spill out onto the floor*

Now we zoom out of the castle to see it's surrounded by dementors. Next is a scene where a bird totally gets its little blue ass whooped by the Womping Willow, yada yada yada… Okay, Divination time!

TRELAWNEY: Welcome to Divination! In this class you shall discover whether or not you possess magic powers that make you special.

EMILY: Oh! I'm special, I'm special!

RON: *headdesk*

TRELAWNEY: Ron, didn't it say in your Hogwarts letters that the only pets you can keep are cats, rats, toads, and owls? _Not_ muggles?

HARRY: Uh, she's with me, actually. Sort of.

TRELAWNEY: Whatever do you mean, child?

HARRY: *whispering* She's an _obsessive fan girl…_

TRELAWNEY: *nods sympathetically and crashes into a desk* Well, Harry, I suppose that simply means that you must keep an eye on her in this class and keep her out of trouble. She may be your Divination partner, in fact – how does that sound?

EMILY: Ooh, that sounds great! Hey, Divination partner! *elbows Harry*

HARRY: *groans and joins Ron in his headdesk*

TRELAWNEY: Well, now that we've got all that worked out, let us continue! Today we shall be practicing the art of reading tea leaves, so take the cup opposite of you – yes, the one in front of your partner.

EMILY: *raises hand but still blurts out loud without being called on anyway* So, do I take Harry's or does Harry take Ron's and I share with him?

TRELAWNEY: Uh, you and Harry can both take Ron's, I suppose.

CLASS: *switches cups*

HERMIONE: *poofs in between Harry and Ron*

RON: Woah, you can do it too? I thought only the director could teleport in this movie!

EMILY: I told you I'm special.

HERMIONE: No, all important female roles can do it. But never mind that, I've been here the whole time.

HARRY: Hey, what's that around your –

HERMIONE: *stomps on Harry's foot*

TRELAWNEY: *walks over to Ron* Are you in the beyond?

RON: *shrugs* Uh, sure.

TRELAWNEY: I think you are! So what does the cup say?

RON: *comparing cup with his textbook* Um, that looks like… suffering.

HARRY: *eyes the director suspiciously* Yes, you've got that right.

RON: And… here's a sun. That means you're happy. So you're gonna suffer, but you'll be happy about it. Unless, of course, since you're sharing with the director that means you're simply suffering and _she's_ the one happy about it, which is just as well.

TRELAWNEY: Hmm… let me see the cup. *grabs cup as forcefully as possible from Ron's grasp and looks into it* Ah, yes. The grim. Apparently you're gonna die, Harry. I'm so sorry. *skips to other side of the room happily*

HARRY: Gosh, why does this keep happening to me? First people start going around and telling me someone's trying to kill me, and now they're saying I'm gonna die anyway, so there's no point in trying to avoid it!

EMILY: Yes there is. To drive the plot forward!

HARRY: *rolls eyes* Well, thanks for your support.

EMILY: Anytime, Divination partner! *pats Harry on the back enthusiastically*

Alright, Care of Magical Creatures time!

The whole class makes their way towards some place nearby Hagrid's hut.

RANDOM STUDENT: Uh… has Hogwarts always been located this high above Hagrid's hut, or is it just me? Because I swear the ground used to be flat just last year…

AUDIENCE: *gasps* He's right! They can't go changing the set on us!

ANOTHER STUDENT: *shrugs* Apparently they can.

HARRY: Hey, maybe I can drop the director off here? Hagrid seems to know a lot about magical… things, so maybe he could, you know, babysit for me?

EMILY: *from the back of class* Hah, see that? Harry agrees that I'm magical! Hey, and what's all this babysitting stuff? We're the same age now.

HERMIONE: Oh, Harry. Are you still trying to get rid of her? She's not _that_ bad! Besides, she helps us solve the movie's plot whenever we lose the script.

HARRY: You're only seeing her in the classes we share!

RON: Hey, don't we share all classes? With Slytherin _again_ this time?

HARRY: Yeah, but weren't you talking about other classes earlier, Hermione?

HERMIONE: Don't be ridiculous, you can't be in two places at once.

EMILY: Yes you can! I've done it!

HERMIONE: Just… shut up.

By then the students all gather in some sort of clearing thing and wait for Hagrid to show up.

HAGRID: Oh, sorry for the wait! Now, class, open your books to page 49.

DRACO: And exactly how do we do that?

HAGRID: Why, drug it out, of course!

Neville, unlike all the other students, didn't have any booze on him and opened his Cute Book of Cute Woodland Creatures without it. Seconds later he was thrown on the ground and mauled by the Evil Bunny nature locked in its pages, thoroughly proving once and for all that Neville is bound to go nowhere in life and can create an epic failure of almost any circumstance. In any case, moving on!

HAGRID: Okay, I'll be right back. I've got a real treat for you kids.

DRACO: *looks at Neville* What a loser.

HARRY: Leave him alone, Malfoy.

DRACO: Oh? Brave, aren't we, Potter?

Draco then makes a face of terror and points behind Harry.

DRACO: Director! Director!

HARRY: Hah. I'm not falling for that one again.

EMILY: What?

HARRY: Crap. She's right behind me, isn't she?

DRACO: That's just cruel Potter! And while I've stayed single for you all summer.

HARRY: No, we're not going to talk about this. We are _never_ going to mention that party again.

DRACO: *sneers* Admit it, Potter. You felt it.

HARRY: Yes, maybe I did! But it was just adolescent experience. _Experimenting._

DRACO: Yes, but you liked it.

HARRY: Draco, we're only thirteen!

HERMIONE: I'm… so disturbed.

RON: Same.

EMILY: Haha, just wait until a few scenes later!

HARRY: You've ruined my life. You realize that, right?

EMILY: No. Ruin_ing._ It's an ongoing process, and I'm not quite finished yet.

HARRY: And when will you be?

EMILY: I don't know, there are still four books left to do after this one.

HARRY: My life is a lie…

DRACO: Come on, Harry. You can't spend your whole life in the closet.

HARRY: I haven't! I got out before second year. And no, that _wasn't_ a metaphor!

DRACO: Sure. You keep telling yourself that.

HARRY: Can someone please end this scene?

DRACO: But remember our deal from first year, Harry. Astronomy Tower once we both hit puberty – now I'm just waiting on you.

HARRY: No! You can't make me!

DRACO: Don't worry; Dumbledore will be there too for assistance since it'll be your first time.

Just then Hagrid comes back in to Harry's relief. He's got this really sexy half bird, half horse thingy with him that's wearing a tiara and eating crumpets.

HAGRID: This here's Buckbeak, he's a hypocrite!

BUCKBEAK: Rawr, squawk!

HAGRID: You are too. Now, class, does anyone wanna pet 'im?

The whole class backs up. Emily shoves Harry in front.

HAGRID: Ah, thanks for volunteering, Harry!

HARRY: What?

HAGRID: Now, the first thing you need to know about hippogriphs is that they're very noble, as you can see from Buckbeak's tiara. So first, before you approach 'im, I need you to bow down and submit.

HARRY: What? Why?

EMILY: Oh, just do it! *shoves Harry on the ground*

HAGRID: Well, I suppose that'll work…

HARRY: *spits out a mouthful of dirt* I hate directors.

EMILY: Just progressing the scene!

BUCKBEAK: *nods approvingly*

HAGRID: Well, he likes you, Harry! Now you can ride him!

HARRY: Wait, but I didn't even pet him yet!

Hagrid then reaches out and literally throws Harry onto Buckbeak, throws a stick, and the hippogriph goes flying after it, Harry screaming behind. A really long, cheesy scene follows which basically shows Harry riding Buckbeak over the black lake to show off the works of the special effects crew. The second Harry gets back Hagrid looks at the director, who gives him a signal, and he throws the stick again, as the scene is repeated multiple times while the rest of the class has already been dismissed.

AUDIENCE: Hey, Malfoy is supposed to get injured by Buckbeak! The movie just doesn't work any other way.

EMILY: Hm, you might be right about that. Draco!

DRACO: *walks over* Yes?

HARRY: *whizzes by, still screaming, on Buckbeak in the background*

EMILY: I need you to break your arm within the following scene. Then tell your father that Buckbeak did it.

DRACO: *shrugs* Sounds good. But what do I get out of it besides a broken arm?

EMILY: Hm… I'll let you know when Harry's voice starts changing. And then I'll let you write the Astronomy Tower scene, and I promise not to edit it.

DRACO: Deal!

During the next few classes Draco can be seen in the background attempting to break his arm. Harry has finally gotten off of Buckbeak, only by falling into the lake on the twelfth time around, and, coincidentally, is soaking wet for the rest of the day.

The Great Hall

Draco had finally been able to break his arm successfully, and, as agreed, claims that Buckbeak has done it. Harry is still wet, and evidently very, very pissed off at the director.

EMILY: Oh, come on, Harry! I was just having a bit of fun.

HARRY: Yeah, but your fun only nearly gets me killed!

EMILY: No, I'll keep you around. If I killed you it just wouldn't be that fun anymore. Like I mentioned two years ago, I wouldn't want to have to resort to directing 'Neville Longbottom and the Potions Test of Doom.'

HARRY: Well, that's reassuring.

EMILY: Well, not really, since I have to temporarily kill you in the seventh year, but never mind! That's not important yet.

RON: Hey, what happened to Draco?

EMILY: Oh, he was attacked by that evil, honorable bird! It was very graphic. Lots of blood. It was terrible; I did everything I could to save him.

RON: That's awful! Will he be alright?

HARRY: How can you just change the subject on me after admitting that you'll have to temporarily kill me in four years? That's horrible!

EMILY: No, Harry, that's politics.

HARRY: But you're not even a real director!

EMILY: Yes I am!

HARRY: Yes, but how can I possibly be around you when you keep putting me in these dangerous situations? You're more evil than Voldemort!

EMILY: *takes lollipop out of mouth* Harry. Seriously. I like lollipops, especially the root beer flavor. And Snape likes cherry. How can anyone who likes lollipops be evil?

RON: *nods* She does have a point.

HERMIONE: Didn't Voldemort like the mystery flavored ones?

EMILY: If you're not helping my case, just shut up. Remember Thumper's mom?

RON: 'If you can't say anything nice, it's better to say nothing at all!'

EMILY: That's right, Ron. You know, I might actually find you a girlfriend in one of these books.

HERMIONE: *slips a 20 under the table to Emily*

EMILY: *takes money* Maybe.

HARRY: So what about me?

EMILY: What about you, Harry? Oh, you wanna girlfriend too? Oh, _I'm_ Harry Potter! _I'm_ the star of the film. _I_ get to be stalked by a super amazing director. _I'm_ gonna be slashed with Draco Malfoy. Brag, brag, brag.

HARRY: _I'm_ a bragger? You're ruining my life, just like you said! _You_ set Voldemort on me with Professor Quirrel in my first year! _You_ sat back and watched a basilisk attack students while tricking me into believing the heir of Slythering just because you thought he was 'hot'! And I'm hearing rumors about Malfoy!

EMILY: Yes, but technically I bought your birth certificate off of Mr. and Mrs. Dursley. Well, they just told me to keep it. So I own you, basically. Everything I've done, and some of the things I'm about to do, are legal in some sense, which makes me your legal guardian.

HARRY: No, you're not! I won't admit it!

EMILY: You can call me 'Mom' if it makes you feel better. I mean, it's not like you'd ever solve the movie's plot without me.

HARRY: No! And yes, I bet I can! You know what? I don't want to see you again. EVER. So this is me, going to my next class, and NOT having you follow. And I'll solve the plot, which I'm not quite sure what it is yet, WITHOUT you!

EMILY: Hah. I'd like to see you make it through the next two scenes. Now, while you go to your next class, I'm going to have a disco rave with the dementors and _you're_ not invited.

RON: Are Hermione and I?

EMILY: No. You've got class too.

And so, Harry sticks to his word. His next class is Defense Against the Dark Arts, and the director is nowhere in sight.

LUPIN: Hello, class! I will be your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Hey, and where's the director? I was looking forward to having a nice talk with her.

HERMIONE: Oh, Harry and her got into a fight once she told him that she was his legal guardian, and then she went off to some dementor rave to make us all jealous.

LUPIN: Damn, I must've just missed her. And why is it I'm never invited to those? But did she mention me, perhaps?

RON: *shakes head* Just that you supply a good amount of candy. She particularly liked the root beer flavored lollipops.

LUPIN: *gasps* She does care! But never mind that: class, today I will be showing you a boggart. Can anyone tell me exactly what that is?

HERMIONE: *shoots hand up* Humphrey Bogart. American actor who played reticent, tough, but ultimately kind-hearted heroes in films such as _Casablanca_ (1942) and _The African Queen_ (1951), for which he won an Academy Award. He also-

LUPIN: Um, no, Miss Granger. Thank you, but I was referring to a _boggart._ Not Humphrey Bogart. And yes, I do like his movies, but that's beside the point. A boggart is a creature that takes the form of whatever you fear most. So today we will be practicing a spell on one I have caught and put into this wardrobe. I call him Boggie, for short. Neville Longbottom. What do you fear the most?

NEVILLE: P-Professor Snape.

LUPIN: Ah, and many may agree with you. So tell me, is your grandmother doing well?

NEVILLE: Yes, I think so.

LUPIN: And what does she wear, usually?

NEVILE: Uh, she's got these metallic silver pants, and…

LUPIN: No, don't tell me! Just think it. And when Boggie comes out, I want you to picture that outfit, hold out your wand, and say 'you look ridiculous!'

NEVILLE: Oh, okay.

Neville holds out his wand as the wardrobe slowly opens, and out walks and extremely sexy and slightly clumsy Snape, which the director unfortunately misses.

NEVILE: You look ridiculous!

Suddenly Snape is wearing a rather stunning futuristic-looking silvery metallic suit that looks like it came out of a play that was taking place in outer space and on a small budget in the costume design department. The students burst out laughing. From out the window you can see Emily in her dementor rave in the distance, but most of the class takes no notice to this except for Professor Lupin, who is looking mournfully out the glass and hoping that she'll bring him back a souvenir and wondering when class will be over to possibly join her.

Next, Ron steps up, and Professor Snape turns into a giant spider. Ron makes a face that Emily probably would've laughed at.

RON: Y-You look ridiculous!

The boggart then gets a rather nifty set of wheels, but can't stand up quite right, either. The students burst out laughing again, and now have formed a line for their turn to try the spell. After about half the class goes, it's Harry's turn. When he steps up, Emily comes out of the closet.

HARRY: You look-

LUPIN: *jumps in front of Harry and the boggart turns into a full moon*

AUDIENCE: Ooh, foreshadowing! We like.

LUPIN: You look ridiculous!

The moon turns into a white balloon and then pops, flying back into the wardrobe. Professor Lupin shuts it, panting, and then dismisses the class.

Time for the Hogsmead Village field trip!

McGONAGALL: Now, third years, please understand that this trip is a privilege. No permission slip signature, no trip.

HARRY: But, Professor, my Uncle, he… he wouldn't sign it. I was wondering if you, perhaps…

McGONAGALL: No, I cannot sign it, Mr. Potter, as I am neither your parent nor your guardian. You should try asking your director, since she claims to be, though.

HARRY: No, I can't admit it! She isn't! And she said that I wouldn't make it through two scenes without her, and this would be the second. I have to go; I have to show her she's wrong!

McGONAGALL: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid she isn't. Now, class, let's be off!

McGonagall and Filch lead the class off towards Hogsmead, leaving Harry standing there and looking miserable.

HARRY: Oh, this stinks. Now what?

AUDIENCE: I can't believe we're actually saying this, but we miss the director. The movie is so boring without her.

HARRY: No! Not you guys too, my loyal fans! Hmm… I need to think of something. Fast.

Suddenly he gets a very stupid idea that he can follow after them by means of his invisibility lingerie and starts to head upstairs, but runs into the director, who is looking very pleased with herself.

EMILY: You know, Harry, I _could_ just sign that slip for you.

HARRY: No, you can't, because you aren't my parent or guardian.

EMILY: Oh, but I am! Haven't we discussed this before? I bought your birth certificate.

HARRY: Listen, I have to find some other way into Hogsmead, and maybe it'll work with the lingerie?

EMILY: You're a dumbass. You know that, right? Invisibility lingerie won't work, you'll just get caught.

HARRY: And how do you know that?

EMILY: Because I'm the director. I know everything.

HARRY: Well, I can't just sit around here feeling sorry for myself!

EMILY: You certainly can, and that's all the self-satisfaction that I'd need.

HARRY: Look, I'm not going to admit that you're my legal guardian, if that's what you want.

EMILY: I'd like it, but no, that's not exactly what I want. All I need you to admit is that you can't possibly solve the plot without me.

HARRY: No! Never!

EMILY: Alright, have fun moping around, then! *gets up and skips in the other direction*

HARRY: Wait, come back! I'm sorry; you're right. I'm a failure without you.

EMILY: No, try using 'epic' in front of 'failure'.

HARRY: Just… don't make this any more difficult for me. I admit it, and you win. So what do I do now?

EMILY: Great! Now we need to find Fred and George; they've got this really cool map I need you to see! *grabs Harry's arm and drags him off* Come on, Divination partner! Let us frolic!

HARRY: *between clenched teeth* Don't… push it…

AUDIENCE: Woah! Slow down, Emily. You've still got the 'Flight of the Fat Lady' and 'Substitute Teacher' scenes before you can show Harry the Marauders' Map.

EMILY: Aw, darn. Alas, Harry, your confession was all for nothing and you'll have to miss the Hogsmead trip. We'll sneak you in the next one. But never mind that! Run off and find Professor Lupin or something.

HARRY: *grumbles something*

And so, Harry runs off and finds Lupin.

On some sort of bridge thingy

LUPIN: I see, Harry. Well, it seems to me that what you really fear is fear itself.

HARRY: Really?

LUPIN: No, but it sounds nice, so we'll just stick with that. You know, Harry, you look a lot like your father. Except for your-

HARRY: Yes, my mother's eyes. So I've been told. Hey, Professor… what are you doing?

LUPIN: I still can't believe she didn't invite me to that dementor rave. Anyway, did you two make up?

HARRY: The director and I? Well, sort of. Of course, I still wish I could've broken up the rave to get back at her beforehand.

LUPIN: Well, you could've tried a patronus.

HARRY: A patronus? What's that?

LUPIN: You've never heard of a patronus? No matter. I'll teach it to you sometime.

After the third years get back from their trip, Ron has sworn it his life's duty to tell Harry every bit of the excitement in exact detail. But apart from that…

The stairs leading up to the Gryffindor Common Room

HARRY: And then he said he'd teach me the patronus sometime.

HERMIONE: That's great, Harry.

HARRY: Oh, and then guess what?

RON: Honestly, Harry. We know you're jealous that we got to go to Hogsmead and you didn't, but that's just how life works.

HARRY: Yeah, but the director promised me that she'd sneak me into the next trip!

RON: Well, congratulations, but do you really think you had more fun just staying here?

HARRY: No, but… What are you saying?

RON: Exactly. Have you heard of that candy shop? It was amazing! It had, like, everything. Tell him, Hermione.

HERMIONE: Oh, yeah. It was quite exciting. Except for when Ron was on that sugar high…

RON: Oh, but I'm sure it was _nothing_ compared to how you spent the day, right, Harry?

HARRY: I still have no idea what you're trying to get me to say.

By then they've reached the top of the stairs to see that the Fat Lady is missing from her painting, which appears to be ripped, and the students erupt in a panic.

DUMBY: *pushes his way through* What happened?

PERCY: It's the Fat Lady. She's gone.

DUMBY: Hm, alright then. We're gonna split up and play 'Let's Find the Fat Lady', and the winner would be, presumably, the one who finds her.

FILCH: I don't think that'll be necessary. Look.

Filch points towards one of the paintings, which happens to be of a hippo.

HARRY: Well, that's just great. So anyway, do you guys think it's possible for someone to buy your birth certificate?

RON: Um, I think so… why?

HARRY: Well, the director apparently bought mine off of the Dursleys.

RON: Wow, that's harsh. Do you have proof?

HARRY: Well, no. But say I did. Does that really make her my legal guardian?

HERMIONE: Actually, I think that means she owns you.

HARRY: No! Really?

RON: *shrugs*

HARRY: …I've gotta find that certificate.

FAT LADY: Hello, painting in distress here!

HARRY: Oh, great. The plot always has to interfere with my personal life!

HERMIONE: You have a personal life?

HARRY: No, I think that was sold along with the birth certificate. I can't really live freely when my life is being directed. By _her_, nonetheless.

RON: But it's not like she took off life insurance with you?

HARRY: Um, is that a good thing?

FAT LADY: Eh-hem!

FILCH: Dangit, what is it?

DUMBY: Yeah, we're listening in on a very important issue!

HARRY: See? Even they agree that my life is a very important issue!

DUMBY: Actually, we were referring to the dementor rave the other day. But by all means, carry on!

RON: You were invited too?

LUPIN: *sulking in a corner*

DUMBY: I'm sorry, Fat Lady. So what happened, again?

FAT LADY: Oh, headmaster, I do wish you would stop calling me 'fat lady', it's very rude.

DUMBY: Then what do you wish to be called?

FAT LADY: I was thinking something along the lines of…

EMILY: No. We're sticking to 'fat lady' since it's easiest.

LUPIN: Oh, you're here! So about that rave the other day…

FAT LADY: But –

EMILY: Harry, what does it say in your script?

HARRY: Fat lady?

EMILY: Bingo. What about yours, Ron?

RON: Fat lady.

EMILY: Good, Hermione?

HERMIONE: Fat lady.

EMILY: Dumbledore?

DUMBY: Gigantor lady.

EMILY: Great. And what about yours, Fat Lady?

FAT LADY: …Fat Lady. But still –

EMILY: Nope, we're done here! And I realized I've overstayed my welcome in the last few scenes, so I'm trying to stop interfering with the plot for now. *slips away into darkness*

HARRY: Is it just me, or she more mysterious than Voldemort?

AUDIENCE: It's not just you.

FAT LADY: Dangit, I'm not fat! I'm just big-boned!

RON: Sorry, I don't think that excuse flies. At least Hagrid can say he's half-giant.

HARRY: Okay, I know this is random, but how can you get a half-giant? I mean, with that size difference… Is that even possible? To, you know… is it?

HERMIONE: Beats me.

FAT LADY: Stop ignoring me! It was Sirius Black in the castle!

RON: Hey, don't you mean Sirius Pink?

FAT LADY: Well, the director must've changed it on me. But yes, that's probably what I meant.

DUMBY: Oh, I used to love him when he was a model! Shame he had to get arrested, though.

HARRY: Don't you see what this means, professor? There's a murderer loose at Hogwarts!

DUMBY: I know, isn't it wonderful? But nothing out of the ordinary, of course. Maybe I could get his autograph on Vol. 27 of Playwitch, the one where he was on the centerfold. Oh, shoot! I lent that one out to Stan. I'm gonna have to get it back. It'll be worth money then.

HARRY: No, sir! You're not getting his autograph! All the Gryffindors will be sleeping in the Great Hall tonight to be safe.

DUMBY: Hey, who put you in charge? I'm the headmaster. I say who sleeps where.

HARRY: Yes, but I'm the director's property. And I read ahead in the script.

DUMBY: *pouts* Well, fine then! Then I declare that all the students will be sleeping in the Great Hall tonight!

HARRY: Just the Gryffindors…

DUMBY: Just the Gryffindors, I mean!

HARRY: Wow. I can pretty much say anything and you'd repeat it.

DUMBY: Wow – I can pretty much say… wait, what was that last part, Harry?

RON: I think Dumbledore's age is catching up with him.

HARRY: Um, never mind, sir.

DUMBY: Never mind!

Up in the headmaster's office, Professor Snape, Filch, and Professor Dumbledore are playing Friday night strip poker, and Dumbledore is losing. Badly, and possibly intentionally. Then we zoom out to see the dementors outside the castle in their Friday night conga line just as the teachers decide they should go and check on the students.

The Great Hall

SNAPE: I just don't see how Sirius Pink could have gotten here undetected. Could a teacher have helped him?

DUMBY: Of course not, I trust all our staff. And perhaps he wasn't even really here at all? I feel confident in sending the students back in their dormitories tomorrow.

SNAPE: But shouldn't we warn Potter?

DUMBY: What, that someone wants to kill him again? No, I think he already knows. But perhaps… Oh, but he looks so peaceful sleeping!

Dumbledore and Snape are now practically standing right over Harry, who is as far to one side of the sleeping bag as possible since there were apparently not enough sleeping bags, and the director happily offered to share with him. Harry is trying hard not to move and terrified of what might happen if he falls asleep.

DUMBY: You know, dreams are very meaningful things. They can take us to faraway places, show us many new things… Actually, there's no such thing as a bad dream. They're all just 'dreams'. Just last night I dreamt that I was a baby pig living on a farm. Oink, oink, oink! It was great, until… until they took me to the… Yes, we should wake him up. He ought to know, just to be safe.

SNAPE: *kicks Harry in the head* Hey, Potter, someone's trying to kill you again this year, but I think you already know. And he probably is in the school right now, but no worries. Come on Dumbledore, Filch. We've got a game to finish.

DUMBY: Oink, oink!

The next morning Harry wakes up to the only thing worse than being with the director in a sleeping bag – being alone in the Great Hall without one, as all the students have already left for classes and the director is presumably at another dementor rave, and this time Lupin was invited.

HARRY: Damn it, I hate it when she pulls this crap on me!

Defense Against the Dark Arts

HARRY: *bursts in through the door and sits next to Ron*

RON: What took you so long?

HARRY: Sorry, apparently everybody packed up and left me in the Great Hall this morning.

RON: Oh, that sucks. Wouldn't the director wake you up? I saw you two spooning.

HARRY: It wasn't like that! And no, I think she's at another dementor rave.

RON: Ah. Lupin must be jealous. Hey, where is he, anyway?

HARRY: He's not here? Maybe she invited him after all?

HERMIONE: *poofs next to Harry* Then who's teaching the class?  
RON: Would you quit doing that! And I don't know.

HARRY: I think I do…

Just then Snape throws open the door dramatically and stomps to the front of the classroom, the curtains closing as he walks by.

SNAPE: *spins around* Turn to page 394.

DRACO: In what, sir? Our textbooks?  
SNAPE: No, you idiot! In your dictionaries, what else did you think I meant? Your playwrights?

CLASS: *flipping through dictionaries*

SNAPE: Class, what starts with 'W', rhymes with 'Erewolf' and is on this page?

NEVILLE: *raises hand* Wolverine?

SNAPE: Fail! 5 billion points from Gryffindor!

HERMIONE: But that's not fair! You didn't take points from Malfoy for his dumb answer.

SNAPE: That's because he's in my own house, Miss Granger, and I'm a very biased person. 3 thousand more points from Gryffindor! Mwuahahahaha *coughs* Hahaha!

RON: *whispers to Harry* Somebody had a little too much caffeine this morning.

HARRY: No, I think he was playing strip poker with Dumbledore and Filch last night. There were obviously alcoholic beverages involved, to some extent, and you'd be surprised how long Snape can go without crashing.

RON: Oh. Well, I suppose that does pretty much explain it.

SNAPE: Now, what is the difference between a werewolf and an animagus?

HERMIONE: *raises hand* Animagus are people who choose to take the form of a specific animal, like Professor McGonagall, while werewolves are born with their condition and have no control over the transformation.

SNAPE: I don't recall calling on you, Miss Granger. This is the second time you've spoken out of turn. 600 points from Gryffindor!

HARRY: I think this point-deduction thing has become somewhat of an addiction…

RON: *nods*

SNAPE: How dare you! 2 trillion jillion bazillion point twelve points from Gryffindor!

DRACO: Harry's a dumbass.

SNAPE: Correct, Mr. Malfoy. 700 points to Slytherin!

RON: *whispering* Kiss-ass.

HARRY: Welcome to the movie, Ron.

SNAPE: Is that sarcasm? I love sarcasm. 4 thousand and two points from Gryffindor!

HARRY: This is going to be a long day…

SNAPE: One third of a point from Gryffindor! A baker's dozen to Slytherin for no apparent reason whatsoever! Four to Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff just to make Gryffindor look even worse! Class, you'll have to write up an 8,000 page essay on werewolves due tomorrow! *falls asleep*

RON: And… he crashed.

HERMIONE: Now what?

Then Dumbledore slams open the door, holding out a pair of white boxers with little red hearts all over them.

DUMBY: Oh, Severus! You left your undies in my office this morning! I washed and folded them and everything – except there was this stain, but I left that alone since I didn't know if you had it there on purpose or anything. Oh, I'm sorry, is this a bad time? Okay, I'll just leave them on your desk. *leaves*

HARRY: Yup, this gonna be a *high pitched* really *lower* long day…

RON: *gasps* It might just get longer, Harry.

HARRY: What?

RON: I think your voice is starting to change!

HARRY: No! Malfoy can't find out about this.

RON: Or the director. Once she knows, you're screwed.

HARRY: You won't tell, will you?

RON: My lips are sealed. Hey, Neville told me not to tell you, but the other day he-

HARRY: Oh, now I'm very assured.

The next day or so, possibly a week later, whatever…

Cut to a Quidditch match. It's a clear, sunny day.

EMILY: Ugh, that's so boring! Whatever happened to 'it was a dark and stormy night'?

QUIDDITCH PLAYERS: *shaking heads fearfully*

Suddenly it starts raining out of nowhere.

EMILY: Better, but not quite…

HARRY: Damn. Once again, we're so screwed.

Some thunder and lightning, blah blah blah… Oh! And now it looks like the field is in the middle of a thunderstorm, possibly a hurricane. Surprisingly the castle and rest of the campus are still in beautiful weather.

EMILY: Perfect!

HARRY: I hate you.

EMILY: I know. Now, start the match!

The game starts. All the players are suffering due to the terrible weather – brooms catch on fire, people crash, someone is electrocuted, and everyone is soaked. Eventually Harry and the other seeker chase the snitch far above the field.

HARRY: Wait a minute, you're wearing yellow!

SEEKER: Duh. I'm the Hufflepuff seeker.

HARRY: Woah, we're actually playing a team besides Slytherin? When does this ever happen?

EMILY: When the director gets enough complaints. And no, your classes are still all with Slytherin. Carry on.

The Hufflepuff seeker somehow falls off his broom. The director won't comment on this, which Harry finds suspicious but doesn't question. Anyway, Harry then continues towards the snitch when his broom freezes up (literally). Emily throws an umbrella at him for now reason whatsoever.

HARRY: Quit it! I'm trying to play Quidditch.

EMILY: Oh, I can see that. That's why.

Another umbrella comes closer…

HARRY: I said-

EMILY: That's not me!

…And Harry realizes it's a dementor! Lots of dementors. One of them attacks Harry, and he falls off his broom, hits the ground, and dies.

RON AND HERMIONE: What?

EMILY: Okay, I'm just kidding! Gosh. He's just unconscious.

RON: Prove it.

It turns out Harry is only unconscious.

RON: Oh. She proved it.

Sometime later Harry wakes up surrounded by a bunch of other people in the Hospital Wing.

HARRY: W-What happened?

RON: You died, Harry!

HARRY: I did?

HERMIONE: Well, when you fell of your broom you would've died, had the movie by 100% logical, but the director decided to keep you around.

HARRY: Well, that's a relief.

FRED: Yeah, but your broom… didn't do so well.

HARRY: What do you mean?

GEORGE: Well, the second it hit the ground it kinda…

Fred and George hold up Harry's broom, which is now broken into tiny bits of wood.

HARRY: Nooo! Wait, if the director can save my life, how come she can't fix my broom?

EMILY: *looks in the other direction*

HERMIONE: It's not your fault, Harry. The dementors weren't supposed to come this close to school grounds.

RON: Oh, and that's not all! It gets worse.

HARRY: How can it possibly get worse?

RON: Draco was here earlier. He heard you talking about how he wasn't supposed to find out… you know…

HARRY: He knows?

RON: *nods*

EMILY: It's alright, Harry. He already turned in the script for the Astronomy Tower scene, and nothing looks above PG13. Then again, we all know I'm not very good at judging that…

HARRY: *groans* Is Dumbledore in it?

EMILY: Yup. But I'm not supposed to tell you any more than that.

HARRY: *groans again* So when is it?

EMILY: Well, I told Draco probably three scenes later.

RON: *pats Harry on the head* You'll live. I hope.

HARRY: Wait, what was Malfoy doing here?

RON: Oh, you remember Julia? The director's sister? Well, she told him to come.

HARRY: Damn those little kids!

EMILY: I'll tell her you said 'hi'.

Suddenly it's winter, most likely a month later.

HARRY: Wait, did you not say that there would be another Hogsmead trip in three scenes?

EMILY: I lied. It was four, so that's right about… now.

HARRY: So do you sneak me into this one?

EMILY: *smiles* This way.

Emily drags Harry to Fred and George, who are attempting to make the world's largest snowman.

FRED: Is it our turn yet?

EMILY: He's all yours.

HARRY: Wait, what are you talking about?

GEORGE: It's alright, Harry. We'll explain everything. And where are you off to?

EMILY: *shrugs* I'm gonna get myself a nice hot chocolate – Dumbledore's brewing some up in his office right now. I'll catch up with you in Hogsmead later, Harry.

HARRY: Alright. Thanks?

EMILY: Sure.

Emily walks away.

HARRY: Hey, you guys seem pretty close; do you know where she keeps important documents?

GEORGE: No.

FRED: What, like scripts?

HARRY: No, I mean, birth certificates.

GEORGE: Birth certificates? Whose?

HARRY: Mine!

FRED: Yours? Why?

GEORGE: *whispers to Fred* He knows.

FRED: *whispering back* Stick to the plan. We don't tell anything.

HARRY: Well, she has it, and says now she owns me!

GEORGE: Well, tough luck, mate!

FRED: Yup, looks like you're screwed.

HARRY: Tell me about it.

GEORGE: Well, not quite.

FRED: Yeah, Harry. We're got something to show you.

Fred and George each grab Harry by an arm and drag him inside.

HARRY: Ack! What are you guys doing?

FRED AND GEORGE: Pipe down!

Once they get indoors, George shoves a folded piece of paper in front of Harry.

HARRY: What's this rubbish?

FRED: What's this rubbish, he says.

GEORGE: This rubbish is the secret to our success.

HARRY: I thought you said bribing the director was the secret to success?

FRED: Well, aside from that.

GEORGE: But anyway, this is a map.

FRED: Not just any map, a special map. We use it all the time.

GEORGE: But we've decided that your needs are greater than ours.

FRED: Would you like to do the honors, George?

GEORGE: *nods and points his wand at the map* I solemnly swear I am up to no good.

Words appear on the map reading:

Mooney, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs are proud to present The Marauder's Map.

HARRY: The Marauder's Map? What's this?

Harry opens it to see that it's a map of the entire Hogwarts campus. There are little moving paper images going around it with names on them.

FRED: This is perhaps our most valuable possession.

GEORGE: We owe all our greatness to those four.

FRED: See, this is a map of the entire Hogwarts campus.

GEORGE: Yeah, and these paper things are people. See? That's us. *points*

HARRY: So it's, like, the ultimate stalking device?

FRED: Well, sort of. But that's not the point.

HARRY: Can I find hidden objects with it?

GEORGE: No. Only people.

HARRY: Damn. Wait, so if it's, like, a map of the whole campus, then it has everything, right?

FRED: Yup, why?

HARRY: Does it have the Chamber of Secrets?

GEORGE: Of course. Right here. *points*

HARRY: Then why didn't either of you idiots say anything about it last year?

FRED AND GEORGE: *look at each other*

FRED: Look, Harry. We're only trying to help you; none of this other stuff is relevant.

GEORGE: Yeah, Harry. If you want to sneak into Hogsmead, I'd suggest you went either this way, *points*

FRED: Over there, *points*

GEORGE: Here, *points*

FRED: Or… wait, that's it.

GEORGE: But we suggest you use…

FRED AND GEORGE: *point* …this one!

HARRY: Why that one?

FRED: Why not?

Harry, although doubtful, takes the Weasley brothers' advice and ends up coming out in a candy shop, wearing his invisibility lingerie.

HARRY: So this must be the candy shop Ron mentioned earlier!

NEVILLE: Harry? Is that you?

HARRY: No! You can't see me, I'm invisible!

Harry grabs his lollipop and then runs out of the shop. Cut to Ron and Hermione, who are standing just outside the fence around the shrieking shack.

DRACO: *walks in with his friends* Looking for your new dream home? I can't help but notice, Weasley, that this estate is a bit out of your price range. Your family is still living in a one-bedroom apartment, right?

RON: Hey, who told you?

Suddenly a snowball hits Draco in the head, and he sees Harry.

DRACO: Ah, Harry! Come for a bit of fun?

HARRY: Shut up, you can't see me, Malfoy!

DRACO: But of course I can see you.

HARRY: Stupid 45%...

DRACO: What was that, Potter?

HARRY: Nothing. Nevermind. Now what?

The director then appears with a bunch of candy.

EMILY: Sorry, I got held up. So what did I miss?

HERMIONE: Harry thought he was invisible again. I keep trying to tell him, but he never listens! I think he just likes wearing it. And he'll probably catch a cold in this snow.

EMILY: I see. Draco, are you ruining Harry's fun?

DRACO: I suppose I might be?

EMILY: Exactly. Now run away, you three, and pretend to be very scared.

CRABBE: Now, why would we do a stupid thing like that?  
GOYLE: Because she's the director, idiot. You always have to do what the director says.

HARRY: Well, at least I'm not the only one suffering.

And so, Draco and his friends run away and look very scared. Harry glares at the director for interfering.

EMILY: Face it, Harry. You're just not completely invisible in that.

HARRY: …Spoilsport.

Our trio find themselves walking around Hogsmead aimlessly, when Harry overhears McGonagall, Fudge, and some old lady who runs a pub talking. We shall call her… Bob.

AUDIENCE: You're kidding us. Bob?

EMILY: Nope! I tell the absolute truth. From this day forward, 'some old lady who runs a pub' shall be officially known as 'Bob'!

AUDIENCE: She has a name, you know.

EMILY: Oh, and you know it?

AUDIENCE: *awkward silence*

EMILY: Yes. I thought as much. Now where were we? Ah yes!

Bob, Fudge, and McGonagall are talking.

BOB: I just don't think it's very probable. I mean, why would Sirius Pink just walk into Hogsmead in broad daylight?

SIRIUS: *walks by in the background*

RON: *gasps*  
McGONAGALL: Hello, Sirius. I'm sorry, what were you saying, Bob?

BOB: I'm just saying he won't be coming here. It's too dangerous for him. I mean, if I were Sirius, I'd get as far away from any dementors as possible.

FUDGE: She does have a point, Minerva. But I just don't want to take chances.

McGONAGALL: But he does have a reason to come.

BOB: He does?

McGONAGALL: Yes, I sent him an invitation.

FUDGE: You what! And is he coming?  
McGONAGALL: Well, he RSVPed. Plus, Harry Potter's here.

BOB: Harry Potter?

McGONAGALL: No, he came for Neville Longbottom. Of course Harry Potter, you idiot!

NEVILLE: *whimpers*

FUDGE: But… HARRY POTTER?

BOB AND McGONAGALL: Shh!

The three make their way into the pub to continue their conversation privately, while Harry slips on his lingerie and follows them.

HERMIONE: Dammit, Harry! Stop being so reckless, everyone can see you!

RON: We should follow him.

HERMIONE: We can't, Ron. No under-aged wizards allowed.

RON: Yes, but you're an under-aged witch?

HERMIONE: Good point, but I doubt they'll buy it.

EMILY: *shakes head* Fine, I'll go.

RON: Well, nobody asked you.

Emily goes inside the pub and follows Harry into the room with the other people.

McGONAGALL: Hello, Harry. Director.

EMILY: I have a name, you know! *crosses arms*

HARRY: Dang. She saw us.

EMILY: You really are an idiot, aren't you?

HARRY: Yeah, would you quit pointing that out?

BOB: Anyway, you were saying, Minerva? Why Sirius would be after Potter?

FUDGE: What, you mean other than the fact that pretty much everyone wants to kill him?

McGONAGALL: Well, you see, Sirius went to Azkaban because he betrayed Harry's parents and sent You-Know-Who after them when they were in hiding, and he killed his friend Peter.

BOB: Peter Pettigrew? Ah, yes. That poor boy.

FUDGE: Wait, I thought Harry's parents died in a car crash.

McGONAGALL: Well, there are always two versions.

FUDGE: What about the one with the car crash? I like that story better.

McGONAGALL: In that one Sirius gave the car to Voldemort after running over Peter.

BOB: But didn't Peter call himself Wormtail when he was part of the Marauders?

FUDGE: Yes, I suppose he did. And apparently a Wormtail was in the car with Voldemort when the car crash happened?

McGONAGALL: *sighs* This version is too difficult to keep straight. Sirius Pink betrayed Lily and James Potter, killed Peter Pettigrew, and is Harry's godfather. Period.

HARRY: Nooooooooooooo!

Harry runs out of the room screaming, and everyone turns to watch. Once outside he passes Hermione and Ron, who follow him worriedly. The director apologizes to Bob, McGonagall, and Fudge for the property's bad manners and takes her time to catch up.

HARRY: *sitting on a log and crying hysterically*

AUDIENCE: We're going to pretend we didn't hear that.

HERMOINE: Harry? Harry, what's wrong?

RON: Woah, Harry's crying! *pulls out a camera and starts taking pictures*

HERMIONE: Ron, quit pretending to be a paparazzi!

RON: What, have you never even considered the idea that we're in the perfect position for it?

HERMIONE: Then at least don't take them when he's wearing his lingerie.

RON: Oh. Sorry.

EMILY: *walks over slowly* Sorry, got here as fast as I could. What did I miss?

HARRY: *looks up* He was they're friend. He was there friend, and he betrayed them!

AUDIENCE: Actually, uh…

EMILY: Shuttup! *fwaps audience*

HARRY: Wait, so he wasn't their friend, then?

EMILY: Oh, no! Of course he was. Just, uh… just continue from there.

HARRY: *shrugs* Alright. Where was I? Oh yeah! *takes a deep breath* He was their friend, and he betrayed them! I hope he finds me. Because when he does, I'll kill him!

Awkward silence…

HARRY: Was that okay?  
EMILY: *pats Harry on the back* You did fine.

RON: Fine? What's that supposed to mean?

HERMIONE: *elbows Ron* Just act supportive! We all know the astronomy tower scene is coming up soon.

HARRY: *horrified look*

Sometime later in the astronomy tower…

AUDIENCE: You can't do that! You said so yourself; this is a PG movie.

EMILY: Darn. Alright, we'll skip over that, then… But don't worry; it happened.

The next morning in the Great Hall

HARRY: *staring into space and shaking*

OLIVER: *in the background* Haha! Revenge! Sweet revenge!

FRED: Oliver, shouldn't you be in hiding?

OLIVER: You're right. I've managed to stay away from them all year so far, and right now I'm pushing it. *runs away, trying particularly hard to stay in the shadows*

HERMIONE: What happened, Harry?

HARRY: Well, first… I refused to come. And so Draco shows up in our common room, and then he hits me with something… hard… And so I wake up in the astronomy tower, and he's got his… he's, well… I'd actually rather not talk about that.

HERMIONE: *nods* We understand, Harry.

RON: Talk! Tell! Explain!

HERMIONE: *smacks Ron*

RON: Ouch! Gosh, Hermione, don't pretend you don't want to know too.

HARRY: *muttering something about Dumbledore, holding hands, and Draco*

RON: Alright, I know: I'll ask a question, Harry, and you just nod or shake your head, okay?

HARRY: *shudders*

RON: So Dumbledore was there?

HARRY: *nods*

RON: To, you know… watch? And… hold your hand, you said?

HARRY: *nods*

RON: So, how far did Draco go?

HARRY: *shudders again*

RON: *looks at Hermione* This might be worse than we thought. First base?

HARRY: *nods slowly*

RON: Second?

HARRY: *looking weak*

RON: Third!

HARRY: *faints*  
RON: Well, that's a yes. I take they had multiple innings. Possibly a home run.

HERMIONE: Why couldn't he just run away? Or fight back?

RON: Well you see, Hermione, it's all about the little signs. Notice those red marks around his arms? I take it he was tied up. And also, how he's been gripping his wand so close all morning? Well, there you go.

HERMIONE: That's terrible! It can't be legal?

RON: *shrugs* Dumbledore was there, and he didn't seem to have any objections to it.

EMILY: *sits down* Hey, guys! How's Harry holding up?

RON: I don't know, I think Draco overdid it.

EMILY: Aw, nonsense. Do you know how well ticket sales went?

HERMIONE: Ticket sales?  
RON: Oh, you mean there was a live audience? Why weren't we invited?

EMILY: Sorry, I forgot about you guys. But I did video tape it for the director's cut. I could sell you a copy if you'd like?

RON: Sweet! How much?

EMILY: I'm sure we could work out a bargain.

HERMIONE: I can't believe it! Why would you have a live audience? Did you see how traumatized Harry is?

EMILY: *shrugs* He'll live. And it was the Weasley brothers' idea.

FRED AND GEORGE: Was not!

That night in the Gryffindor Common Room

Harry lies on his bed looking at the Marauder's Map, when he sees the name 'Peter Pettigrew' crossing a hallway.

HARRY: What's this? Peter's alive? Ooh, let's go investigate! Maybe I'll even get caught!

AUDIENCE: *headdesk*

So Harry takes out the map and his wand and heads towards the hall.

PAINTINGS: *nag, nag, nag*

AUDIENCE: Once again, there are no female portraits here. Something is obviously not right with Hogwarts.

EMILY: As much as I agree with you, piss off! You guys are too picky.

Harry looks down at the map to see Peter getting closer and closer. The background music speeds up to a climax as Harry holds out his wand, and then slows down as Peter passes. Of course, Harry never sees him.

HARRY: Wait, what?

AUDIENCE: God, they're all so slow! Don't you think they'd realize that-

EMILY: *fwaps audience* What part of 'Please: Don't spoil the movie by adding your own soundtrack' do you guys not get?

AUDIENCE: The part of the equation where the director gets to attack the audience for their logical input.

EMILY: Input, huh? I call it-

HARRY: Alright, I know seems like a bad time to point this out, but… Isn't this movie supposed to about me?

EMILY: Of course not, Harry! Didn't we go over this in your first year?

AUDIENCE: *sighs*

EMILY: *fwaps audience again* Ooh, look! Here comes Snape, right on cue!

HARRY: Shoot! Mischief managed.

SNAPE: *walks over suspiciously and sticks his wand in Harry's face* Potter. What a coincidence. Not sneaking around the castle after hours again, are we?

HARRY: Exactly, Sir. I mean, uh, I was sleepwalking!

SNAPE: I doubt that. What is that paper you're holding?

HARRY: A blank piece of parchment.

SNAPE: I see. *pokes his wand to it* Reveal your secrets.

Words begin to form on the map.

SNAPE: Read it.

HARRY: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs wish to congratulate Severus Snape…

SNAPE: Go on.

EMILY: *attaches herself to Snape* It says, 'And ask him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other peoples' business!'

SNAPE: Why, you little-

EMILY: Hey, watch it! I'm the director, remember? Take it out on Harry.

HARRY: Traitor!

SNAPE: Well, I suppose that works too… Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor! Harry, I want you to report to the Third Floor Corridor of Doom immediately. There you will find a drunken Filch waiting with Mrs. Norris and a cactus-

AUDIENCE: *horrified looks*

LUPIN: *walks in* Severus, what's going on?

SNAPE: Oh, I was just punishing Harry as usual. Anything new with you?

LUPIN: I see. What did he do this time?  
SNAPE: I found him wandering the corridors at this late hour carrying this. *grabs map as forcefully as possible* Do you know what it is?

LUPIN: *shrugs* It appears to be some sort of folded-up napkin. But never mind that, I'll keep it for further investigation.

HARRY: And what about me?

SNAPE: Third Floor Corridor of Doom. Now!

LUPIN: It's alright, Severus. I'll take it from here.

SNAPE: But…

Lupin grabs Harry by his arm and drags him, kicking and screaming, into his office.

HARRY: It wasn't my fault, Professor! The director gave it to me!

LUPIN: Look, Harry. I don't know who gave it to you or why you didn't turn it in right away-

HARRY: Because it wasn't in the script and obviously looked like an important plot device for later on.

LUPIN: -but I'll keep the map for now.

HARRY: Wait, you know what it is?  
LUPIN: Of course, Harry. And next time, don't expect me to cover for you.

HARRY: Yes, Sir.

LUPIN: Now go back to bed, Harry. And don't take any detours; I'll know if you do. But even so, don't expect me to do anything about it.

In Professor Lupin's office some other day

HARRY: Oh, yeah! Are you going to teach me the patronus charm now?

LUPIN: Will you shut up and leave me alone if I do?

HARRY: Possibly.

LUPIN: *sighs* Alright, then I suppose I might as well. Harry, I want you to hold out your wand. When I release the dementor, you'll have to think of a happy memory.

HARRY: That's it?

LUPIN: Oh yeah, and you'll need a little pixie dust too.

HARRY: Pixie dust?

LUPIN: No, wait… No, I'm sorry, Harry. That's how you fly. No, you'll need to say 'expecto patronum'.

HARRY: Oh, alright.

LUPIN: Good. Wand at the ready...

Lupin walks over to a giant box and prepares to open it.

LUPIN: On the count of three, Harry.

HARRY: *nods*

LUPIN: One… two… five!

HARRY: Dammit, not you too! It's THREE!

LUPIN: I beg your pardon, Harry? Three what?

HARRY: No, the number three, sir.

LUPIN: What about the number three?

HARRY: I… just… *facepalm* Just open the damn box!

LUPIN: Oh, right. Of course.

Lupin pries open the box, and Emily comes out.

HARRY: Wait a minute… That's not a dementor! It's the director!

LUPIN: Oh, I'm sorry, Harry. I used a boggart; of course I didn't have a real dementor.

HARRY: Shoot. So should you still teach me?

LUPIN: *shrugs* Well, you could try it on the director if you'd like. I'm not sure it'd have quite the same effect, though.

BOGGART: Lalala!

HARRY: It's hideous. And annoying.

LUPIN: I know! It's wonderful, isn't it?

HARRY: *shakes head* I've seen Malfoy looking better than that. Anyway, *holds up wand* EXPECTO PATRONUM!

The boggart stares at Harry for a minute, but nothing happens.

LUPIN: Well, you would've passed out at this point, had the boggart actually turned into a dementor. But never mind that. I didn't expect you to get it the first time anyway.

HARRY: That's a blow to my ego. What went wrong, anyway?

LUPIN: Hm. What memory did you pick?

HARRY: Well, at first I was thinking about the first time I rode a broom… but then more recent events started to haunt me…

LUPIN: *nods* I see, Harry. I'm very sorry about that. Oh, and you never told me Mr. Malfoy could remove his underwear without taking his pants off?

HARRY: I can too; he taught me. Hey, and how did you know-?

LUPIN: Oh, I preordered a copy of the director's DVD.

HARRY: *curses something under his breath*

LUPIN: I'm surprised you didn't show up at the screening. Didn't she tell you?

HARRY: Alright, Professor, I'd really rather not talk about that! Shall I just try the patronus again?

LUPIN: The what? Patronus? Oh, yeah! That's what we were doing, wasn't it. Yes, go ahead, Harry.

Harry holds up his wand again to the zoned-out boggart.

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Nothing happens.

HARRY: Why isn't it working, Professor?

LUPIN: Perhaps your memory isn't powerful enough? Try something else.

HARRY: What about being with my parents?

LUPIN: Can you really even remember that, Harry?

HARRY: Hey! Just shut up, okay? I'm in my happy place.

AUDIENCE: We're very glad the director isn't making a comment on that remark…

EMILY: Well, I've gotta admit, I am working on it…

LUPIN: Eh, whatever. It's worth a shot.

HARRY: Alright.

LUPIN: Oh, and try doing it with a Russian accent!

HARRY: What? Why?

LUPIN: *shrugs* I dunno, it'll sound cooler.

HARRY: Well… I'll try. EXPECTO PATRONUM!

LUPIN: *shakes head* You call that a Russian accent?

HARRY: Shut up, Sir! It's working!

A whiteish-blue, shield-like light forms from Harry's wand in front of the boggart.

LUPIN: Amazing, Harry! Simply wonderful!

HARRY: I just don't understand. Was the boggart even needed at all?

LUPIN: No, not really. I just figured it might work better.

HARRY: Why?  
LUPIN: No reason at all. Here, have some chocolate. *chucks a bowl of Hershey's kisses at Harry*

HARRY: Where does all this candy come from, anyway?

Cut to where Ron, Harry, and Hermione are hurrying to comfort Hagrid before Buckbeak's execution.

RON: Wait, Buckbeak had an execution?

EMILY: Yeah, didn't I say so already?

HERMIONE: No.

EMILY: Oh well. Carry on, then!

In some circular area right outside the castle

DRACO: *sneering*

HARRY: That's not fair! You broke your own arm!

RON: He did?

DRACO: So? The director told me to.

EMILY: *looks away*

Hermione looks at Draco for a minute, then punches him repeatedly in the face.

AUDIENCE: A bit violent, but we could really care less. *cheers*

HERMIONE: That felt good.

RON: Good? It was brilliant!

HERMIONE: *still punching Draco*

HARRY: Hermione… you can stop now. Please.

DRACO: *crying*

The trio runs down to Hagrid's.

HERMIONE: Hurry! The others will catch up with us soon.

HARRY: Why couldn't we just bring the invisibility lingerie?

RON: Yeah, I haven't had them on all year! Please, Hermione?

HERMIONE: No! What does it take to convince you two that they don't work?

RON: *whimpers*

Hagrid opens the door slowly, holding a crossbow.

HAGRID: Oh. It's you three. *lowers crossbow*  
HARRY: Yep, it's just us to come bother you again.

RON: Must you always carry around that thing?

HAGRID: *shrugs* Well, you never know when you'll need it.

HERMIONE: *casts a worried glance*

RON: Hey, has anyone seen Scabbers?

HARRY: Scabbers? Hey, didn't your cat eat him, Hermione?

HERMIONE: Who, Crookshanks? Of course not. *elbows Harry* We weren't going to bring that up, remember?

RON: What! Your bloody cat ate Scabbers!

HERMIONE: Sorry, but you knew that rat had it coming.

AUDIENCE: Hey! You can't let Peter – we mean Scabbers – die. You'll need him for the next movies.

EMILY: Damn. Alright, Hagrid – open the pot thingy.

HAGRID: Uh, okay… *opens a pot and pulls out Scabbers* Oh, wow! What do you know? Here, Ron. *hands over Scabbers*  
RON: Oh, Scabbers! You're alive!

HAGRID: Next time, take better care of your pets.

SCABBERS: I hope you all die.

RON: Scabbers! There's no need for such language.

AUDIENCE: *frustrated sigh*

A rock comes flying through the window and breaks a jar containing… sand?

HARRY: Why do you always have to do that?

EMILY: Hmph. So quick to blame me, aren't you?

HARRY: Well, who else here would have the apparent immaturity to do it?

AUDIENCE: *nodding in agreement*  
EMILY: *glares at audience* Might I remind you, I still have that collective evidence of the Orlando Bloom/Johnny Depp love affair, if Tom Riddle wasn't convincing enough.

RON: How is that even relevant?

EMILY: *shrugs* It makes an ideal threat, I suppose. Most people prefer not to know, although I just cannot understand why.

HARRY: Yes… I wonder why.

HERMIONE: But everyone knows that's impossible; neither Orlando nor Johnny are capable of bearing children, especially not as a couple!

AUDIENCE: That's exactly what we said.

EMILY: But it's the truth! Let me prove it to you!

AUDIENCE: No!

EMILY: Yes!

JULIA: Ewe.

EMILY: Shuttup.

Another rock flies in and hits Harry in the back of the head.

HARRY: Ouch!

EMILY: Hermione did it!

RON: She did not!

HERMIONE: Actually, it's very possible that I did…

HAGRID: Guys! Fudge, Dumbledore, and that executioner guy are coming!

HARRY: Why don't you just free Buckbeak?

HAGRID: Because they'll know I did it. Now get out of here, before you three get in trouble.

HARRY: But, Sir-

HAGRID: Go, now!

Hagrid shoves Ron, Harry, and Hermione out of his hut and locks the door behind them.

RON: Well, that was rude of him.

HERMIONE: Quick, we have to hide behind these conveniently located pumpkins!

HARRY: Why?

HERMIONE: *shrugs*

And so they hide behind the stack of pumpkins.

RON: Poor Buckbeak. It just doesn't seem right; Malfoy obviously broke his own arm.

EMILY: Which, might I add, is something I had absolutely nothing to do with.

HARRY: Oh, right; just like you had nothing to do with that GPS system that somehow found its way into Hedwig's wing.

EMILY: My point exactly.

HERMIONE: *spins around* Did you guys hear something?

RON: Hermione, this isn't the time!

HERMIONE: I thought I saw… never mind.

They run back up the hill, panting, and stare back at Hagrid's hut. After a gunshot-like sound, Hermione buries her head into Ron's chest, crying. Actually, she might be laughing – it's hard to differentiate.

SCABBERS: *bites off Ron's finger*

RON: Ahhhhh! *crying*

AUDIENCE: Oh, god! Are you sure this is still PG?

EMILY: *sticks out tongue* Fine, then. Rewind!

SCABBERS: *gnaws on Ron's finger?*

EMILY: Good enough.

RON: *still crying*

Scabbers jumps out of Ron's grasp and runs towards the Whomping Willow.

RON: Scabbers! *chases after him*

HARRY AND HERMIONE: Ron!

Harry and Hermione follow Ron until he finally catches Scabbers a couple feet away from the tree.

RON: *points* Guys, look out! It's the grim!

Harry and Hermione turn around to see a fluffy, long-haired black Chihuahua standing behind them.

HARRY: Oh, Hermione! It looks so cute. Can we keep it?

HERMIONE: Harry, we all know what happened last time you tried to adopt one. Just face it; you weren't cut out to be dog owner.

HARRY: But it's so cute!

RON: Heeellllpp!

Harry and Hermione look up to see that the dog has bitten Ron's leg and is dragging him into a hole under the Whomping Willow. They hurry to rescue him, but instead are smashed around a bit by the tree.

HARRY: Have I ever mentioned how much I hate this tree?

HERMIONE: Oh, contraire, Harry! Did you know that its bark can be ground up to make a delightful chai tea? I read about it in Hogwarts: A History.

HARRY: Why weren't you put in Ravenclaw, again?

HERMIONE: *shrugs* To help you two idiots solve the plot?

HARRY: Actually, that does make sense.

TREE: How can you two keep up a conversation while I'm trying to kill you both?

HERMIONE: *shrugs* Years of practice?

The Whomping Willow, now thoroughly pissed off, grabs Harry and Hermione and shoves them down the hole after Ron.

HARRY: Ouch! *after Hermione's crashed on top of him*  
HERMIONE: Sorry, Harry.

HARRY: *picks himself up* It's alright, we've gotta find Ron. Where are we, anyway?

HERMIONE: *gets up as well* It looks like we're in some sort of… passageway?

They continue to walk down a twisting tunnel until they reach a staircase, and suddenly the entire room starts to looks like an old, abandoned house.

HERMIONE: Harry, I think we're in… the Shrieking Shack!

HARRY: Ooh, what's this?

Harry picks up a small golden ring.

HERMIONE: Put that down, Harry! I've read enough fantasy novels in my time to tell that that ring is full of dark magic.

HARRY: But it's so… beautiful. Hey, didn't Ron find something like this last year in the Chamber of Secrets?

HERMIONE: Drop it, Harry. We're too busy right now to deal with it.

HARRY: But… my preciousss…

HERMIONE: *grabs it* Bad Harry! *chucks the ring across the room*

HARRY: Hermione! That's not very nice.

HERMIONE: *rolls eyes and drags Harry up the stairs* Come on; we've gotta catch up to Ron!

As they reach the top of the stairs, the door slowly creaks open and they see Ron sitting down holding Scabbers, his leg bleeding and a horrified look on his face, wondering why animals were so persistent on killing him today for a change.

HARRY: Ron! *runs in, relieved*

HERMIONE: Harry!

RON: *points* Sirius Pink!

SIRIUS: *evil look* Scabbers!

EMILY: Emily!

HARRY: *glares at the director*

EMILY: What? Were we not doing that?

HARRY: Ron, what happened?  
RON: The dog! It was him; Sirius Pink!

Harry looks up to see Sirius Pink, who looks very much like Sirius Black, except for a pink wristband he wears, hence the 'pink' part of his name.

HARRY: You!

SIRIUS: Me!

HARRY: You betrayed my parents!

SIRIUS: I did no such thing.

Cue Lupin walking in!

LUPIN: Sirius?

SIRIUS: Ah, Remus! My old friend.

Lupin and Sirius embrace it a rather awkward hug.

HARRY: I don't get it. Did I miss something here?

HERMIONE: It's because he's a werewolf, Harry!

HARRY: A werewolf?

LUPIN: How long have you known?

HERMIONE: Since Professor Snape assigned that werewolf essay.

LUPIN: Clever. You really are the brightest witch of your age, Ms. Granger.

HARRY: Wait, I still feel like I was left in the dark. You're his friend?

SIRIUS: Yup! Remus and I go way back. BFFLs, we are!

LUPIN: True dat!

HARRY: *still confused* I thought I was close, but… I have no idea where this plot is going.

RON: Why, what were you thinking?

HARRY: I don't know. I assumed Snape was somehow involved, though.

HERMIONE: Why Snape, Harry?

HARRY: Well, I don't know. I wrongly accused him the first two movies; why should this one be any different?

LUPIN: The boy does have a point, you know. And personally, I don't have any problems with blaming Severus myself.

SNAPE: *crying somewhere*

SIRIUS: Oh, could everyone stop chatting! I just wanna kill him!

LUPIN: Calm down, Sirius. Can't you just wait until we explain everything to our protagonists and the audience first?

SIRIUS: Wait? I've done my waiting! Two years of it!

HARRY: Two? Don't you mean twelve, Sir?

SIRIUS: No, two. I broke out of Azkaban ten years ago, but the Ministry only made a big deal about it this year since there wasn't any other plot assigned your third year.

RON: He does have a point, Harry. What would the point of the movie be without a plot?

HARRY: I just don't like it, that's all. I feel like everyone already knows these things and never bothers to tell me.

HERMIONE: Well, Harry, if you knew, then that would be no fun for the audience.

AUDIENCE: Yet we're somehow still here…

HARRY: In that case, I might as well. *glares at Emily*

EMILY: Hey, what are you looking at me for? I'm not here, remember?

SIRIUS: *rolls eyes* This is ridiculous. Can I PLEASE kill him now?

HERMIONE: No! If you want to kill Harry, then you'll have to kill me first!

SIRIUS: *shrugs* Fair enough.

LUPIN: Sirius! They think you're serious. Hehe, that sounds funny.

SNAPE: *bursts in through the door* What's going on here? Ah, Sirius Pink. I figured I'd find you here.

SIRIUS: Severus, you don't know what you're doing.

SNAPE: Of course I do; I'm following the script. Now, if you'll please, I unfortunately have to call down the wrath of God upon you as well.

HARRY: No! Expelliarmus!

Snape goes flying across the room, hits a wall and is knocked out. Ron starts cheering.

HERMIONE: Harry, you just attacked a teacher!

HARRY: I don't care. You, Lupin – tell me what's going on.

LUPIN: Ah, Harry, you have to understand. It wasn't Sirius who betrayed your parents, he was set up!

HARRY: By?

SIRIUS: Peter Pettigrew!

HARRY: But Peter's dead. That's impossible!

LUPIN: I thought so too, Harry. Until I read ahead in the script.

HARRY: But the script was lying-

SIRIUS: The script never lies!

EMILY: Damn, is everyone reading ahead now? I might as well change the whole rest before they get any ideas! *begins to rewrite the last half an hour of the movie*

RON: What, there's still half an hour left? I thought we were at the plot's climax!

EMILY: *grins evilly* Mwuahaha!

HARRY: Wait, how could it have been Peter, then?

SIRIUS: Peter Pettigrew, that crafty little feller. And he's in this very room! Come out, Peter! Your friends are waiting for you!

HARRY: Where, Sir?

SIRIUS: Right there! *points at Ron*

RON: My sweater?

SIRIUS: No, you idiot. Your rat.

RON: Scabbers?

HERMIONE: *thinks about the plot for a minute* Actually, that does make a lot of sense. He's an animagus. Why couldn't Crookshanks just eat him, again?

RON: Hermione! Scabbers didn't do anything! He's been in my family for-

SIRIUS: Twelve years! An exceptionally long life for a rat, isn't it? And he's missing a toe, isn't he?

HARRY: *dumbfounded* God, I really am an idiot. Every year this happens. Why me?

HERMIONE: It's alright, Harry. It's just because we love you.

RON: I love you too, Harry!

HARRY: Damn. We're all gonna die, aren't we?

HERMIONE: No, not necessarily.

SIRIUS: You guys are the worst at staying focused, aren't you?

LUPIN: I know. I'm surprised Peter isn't trying to run away yet.

SCABBERS: *gets an idea*

SIRIUS: *glares at Lupin*  
LUPIN: *shrugs*

Scabbers jumps up and tries to run away, Lupin and Sirius both firing spells at it. Finally, before it gets out of the room, it turns into a person.

AUDIENCE: He's hideous.

EMILY: Yes, the costume department really does have a thing for ugly people.

HARRY: Hey!

RON: Scabbers?

LUPIN: See, Harry? We told you.

SIRIUS: So can we kill him now?  
LUPIN: Oh, one-track minded much?

HARRY: No, we'll take him to the castle.

PETER: Oh, thank you!

EMILY: *thinks for a minute* Nah, I'm gonna call you Wormtail in these scripts from now on. 'Peter' just sounds too innocent.

WORMTAIL: Um… okay?

HARRY: Then the dementors can have him!

RON: Yay! Can we watch?

HERMIONE: I'll bring popcorn! I know a very difficult spell for it.

RON: Hey, so do I!

HERMIONE: Does it involve a microwave and pushing the 'popcorn' button?

RON: Actually, I usually just push 'defrost'.

HERMIONE: Figures.

They all walk outside, the Whomping Willow somehow possibly acting like a normal tree. Hermione is looking at Ron's leg, who is complaining about Fawkes never being there when you need him, Lupin is wrestling Wormtail, and Sirius is talking to Harry, apparently unaware of the fact he's still wanted for murder, despite the accusations being false.

SIRIUS: So, Harry. I'm your godfather.

HARRY: Yeah, I know.

SIRIUS: So, yeah. I can understand if you'd like to stay with the Dursley's, but… Aw, heck. Who am I kidding? I can't understand if you'd like to stay with the Dursley's, but if you'd rather come stay with me…

HARRY: Yay! Complete stranger who I thought wanted to kill me only fifteen minutes ago, I trust you completely. Almost as completely as I trusted that amazingly sexy Tom Riddle guy!

AUDIENCE: *pulling out the escape plan from the first movie*

EMILY: Don't even think about it.

AUDIENCE: Oh, we're thinking about it. You're giving Harry Potter a bad name.

HARRY: What? I have another name?

AUDIENCE: Our point exactly…

EMILY: *shrugs* Whatever.

HERMIONE: Look out, everyone! *points*

RON: What now?

HERMIONE: It's a full moon, you idiot.

RON: Oh, you're right. Does that mean we're screwed again?

HERMIONE: *shrugs* Appears so.

EMILY: Hey, I told you we surprisingly weren't even at the plot climax yet.

HARRY: How is that possible?

Lupin looks up at the full moon, slowly coming out from behind a bunch of clouds. Sirius quickly jumps up to try and stop him.

SIRIUS: Remus! Don't forget who you are!

HARRY: *looking up at the moon* Hm… I feel like I've seen this before recently.

RON: Déjà vu?

HARRY: Perhaps.

Werewolf Lupin throws Sirius over, who turns into a dog and starts barking at him. Wormtail turns back into a rat and runs away before Harry can chase after him, and then the werewolf goes to attack the trio.

SNAPE: *gets out of the hole slowly* My head… I seem to have hit something… hard. You! Potter! Rawr! Five million points from Gryffindor!

Snape then looks up at the full moon and realizes Lupin is a werewolf.

SNAPE: Aw, crap. *jumps in front of Harry, Ron, and Hermione* I promise, as your potions master, I'll protect you three, despite how much I hate you, Potter, and your father, and your attractiveness, and… Aw, who am I kidding? All those things sound pretty convincing. Alright, that's it! You three are on your own. Adios! *walks away calmly*  
HERMIONE: Well, that wasn't very nice of him.

HARRY: Heehee, Snape's jealous of my awesomeness!

RON: Us too, Harry… right?

HARRY: Nope, he only said 'Potter'! Sorry, Ron, you're just not as… what did he say? Ah, yes. You're just not as ATTRACTIVE as me! *beams*

HERMIONE: Harry, you idiot! He left us to be eaten by Professor Lupin!

HARRY: He did? Well, that wasn't very nice of him at all. And after all those kind deeds I've done for him… Like when I, well… Actually, I'll get back to you guys on that list. But trust me, there really is one. I swear. I think. Maybe?

Lupin runs up to the trio to attack, when out of nowhere there is a howl sounding like another wolf. He looks up, sniffs the air, howls back, and then runs towards where the noise seemed to come from.

RON: Well, that was pretty convenient. Too bad Wormtail escaped. I'm just glad none of us got hurt.

Then Lupin runs back up the hill, grabs Sirius (as a dog still) and throws him down the other side. Then he runs back down the hill again.

RON: I spoke too soon.

HARRY: I've gotta save Sirius!

HERMIONE: Harry, no!

Harry runs down after Sirius. Ron and Hermione look at each other for a minute, considering running after him, then decide they'd better just stay put and wait for the issue to sort itself out.

AUDIENCE: Now, that doesn't sound very much like them.

EMILY: Well, you have to take it into consideration that that IS what they do it the movie anyway…

AUDIENCE: We suppose so. But it still seems out of character.

EMILY: What, like Harry bumping into someone and saying 'hi' in the sixth?

AUDIENCE: Well, yes, but…

RON: What? Do you have a problem with Harry being polite?

EMILY: Seriously, Ron. How many times have you heard him greet someone like that all year?

RON: I… uh… well…

EMILY: Exactly. Now shut up and stop arguing with the director!

At the bottom of the hill, Harry runs up to Sirius (now somehow not a dog), lying unconscious a few feet away from a lake. I'd say it's the Black Lake, but for some reason I don't remember it ever being that close to the Whomping Willow… ever. Or that small.

AUDIENCE: Huh. What do you think about that?

EMILY: Eh, I don't know. Apparently you're allowed to go changing the set for your own convenience when making a movie.

AUDIENCE: Weird.

EMILY: I know, right? Alright, now where were we… Ah, yes!

Harry runs up to Sirius and kneels beside him.

HARRY: Sirius! *awkward pause* Aw, damn. He's dead. Oh well, that takes care of that issue, I suppose! *starts to skip away*

EMILY: God, you're an idiot! He's not dead, just unconscious. Did we not learn our lesson last year with Ginny Weasley in the Chamber of Secrets?

HARRY: Always check for a pulse before you automatically assuming someone's dead?

EMILY: Well, close enough.

AUDIENCE: We hate your interpretation of Harry. Just putting that out there.

EMILY: Well, thanks again for your so-called 'logical input', which I'm quite obviously going to end up ignoring anyway.

AUDIENCE: *sighs* Why do we even bother…

HARRY: Sirius? *poke* Are you alive? You know, he does have a pulse, but he doesn't look like he's breathing... But just to make sure… *pokes Sirius again*

Suddenly a million bajillion dementors attack! Harry tries a patronus, but it doesn't work so well, or at least not for that many. Then, from the other side of lake, a ginormus patronus scares away all the dementors and we see a silvery-blue stag.

EMILY: You know, I'd really like to have that be a more original animal… But then it would already bug me by the next movie.

AUDIENCE: Should we be relieved?  
EMILY: Yes; very.

HARRY: Hey, look! It's my daddy! *passes out next to Sirius*

In the hospital wing sometime later

HARRY: Wuh… Where am I? What happened?

RON: You passed out, genius.

Harry and Ron are both lying in hospital beds, but Ron has bandages all over his body – including his ears, hands, feet, chin, and stomach – even though the actual injury is only on his leg. And coincidentally not bandaged like the rest of his unharmed body.

RON: Yeah, the director and Madam Pomphrey got creative…

HARRY: *gets up* Where's Sirius? What happened to Lupin? Did they catch Wormtail?

HERMIONE: No, Harry. Wormtail got away, and Lupin's… well, still away. They took Sirius into a prison in the castle.

HARRY: What? But he's innocent!

HERMIONE: Snape, Ron, and I were the only witnesses present and conscious, and you know what Snape said… And, well, of course they wouldn't listen to a bunch of third-years.

HARRY: Oh. Well, shit. What do we do now?

Cue Dumbledore's entrance!

DUMBY: Ah, Harry! You're awake. Uh, Hermione? About three turns should to it. If you succeed, more than one innocent life can be saved. Now, it's a shame you kids can't drink – the Hogwarts staff is having the most delightful party celebrating Sirius' capture. Of course I don't approve of the occasion, but I can't say no to a nice drink-off here and there! Well, good luck!

Cue Dumbledore's exit!

HARRY: That was… awkward. Do you know what he was talking about?

RON: I do, and it's just not fair! Why can't we go to the party?

HARRY: No, Ron! About the three turns and the innocent lives; what's all that supposed to mean, anyway?

HERMIONE: *staring at a necklace with a small clock at the end* Well, Ron… Seeing as you're such a dumbass and not in a fit enough state to argue with the striking logic I used to calculate the observation…

RON: Huh?  
HERMIONE: I rest my case.

Hermione puts the necklace around herself and Harry, then turns a knob on the clock three times. People start moving around in blurs, and finally the room is empty. The sun is starting to come up.

HERMIONE: Wait a minute… It can't be that early! Oh, wait a minute… whoops…

HARRY: What did you do?

HERMIONE: I seem to have turned it in the wrong direction. Damn, why don't these things come with instruction manuals? All the labels on it are written in Chinese! Aw, well. I suppose I ought to go back… six turns the other way, then.

HARRY: *so confused*

Hermione turns the clock back six times, and the blurs move in reverse. The sun goes down and comes up again until it's about mid-day, and then everything goes back to normal.

HERMIONE: *takes the necklace off of Harry and looks at it* 7:30. Where were we at 7:30?  
HARRY: Uh… Going to Hagrid's?

HERMIONE: Of course! Dumbledore obviously wanted us to come back to this time. Come on, Harry.

Hermione drags Harry out towards an exit to the castle, where they see themselves. Hermione is punching Draco repetitively.

HARRY: What's going on, Hermione? That's us!

HERMIONE: *holds out her necklace* You see this, Harry? It's a time turner. It allows people to go back in time – that's how I've been getting to all my classes. And acing all my tests, but that's none of your business.

HARRY: *pretends he didn't hear that last part* But how does it work?  
HERMIONE: Simple. Just turn it back until a certain time, then you're there again.

HARRY: So then there are two of you?  
HERMIONE: Yes, but you can't be seen by yourself. Bad things can happen to wizards who meddle with time, Harry; we'd best just hurry up and get this thing over with.

HARRY: And which thing is that, exactly?

HERMIONE: Most certainly not yours, but never mind that. Dumbledore said more than one innocent life could be saved if we succeed…

HARRY: Buckbeak?  
HERMIONE: Yes, that's it! Let's go.

Hermione and Harry follow themselves (and Ron, of course) a safe couple of inches behind. Luckily, they aren't seen. When they go inside Hagrid's, Harry and Hermione run to hide, once again, behind the conveniently located pumpkin patch.

HARRY: Look, here come Fudge, Dumbledore, and Execution Man!

HERMIONE: We're not leaving. Why aren't we leaving?  
HARRY: Maybe we didn't see them?

Hermione reaches down and picks up two rocks. The first she used to break a jar of sand, and the second hits Other Harry in the head.

HARRY: Ouch!

HERMIONE: Sorry.

HARRY: Damn, the director was right when she blamed you!

HERMIONE: Of course she was. It's always me. Like, remember that time I borrowed Hedwig to send a letter without permission?

HARRY: You what?

HERMIONE: Oh, you didn't find out about that accident? Never mind, then.

HARRY: What did you do?

HERMIONE: Shh, here we come! Quick, hide!

Hermione grabs Harry by the arm and pulls him behind a tree just as their past selves get behind the pumpkins.

HERMIONE: Oh, god! Do I really look like that from behind?

OTHER HERMIONE: *spins around*

OTHER RON: Hermione, this isn't the time!  
OTHER HERMIONE: I thought I saw… never mind.

The past trio leaves, and the others head into Hagrid's. Harry and Hermione get out of their hiding spots.

HARRY: So what now?  
HERMIONE: We rescue Buckbeak, of course.

HARRY: Oh. Right.

Harry and Hermione untie Buckbeak and lure him into the forest with a bunch of dead ferrets.

EMILY: Yum!

AUDIENCE: *roll eyes*

HARRY: Alright, so now that that's over what do we do?

HERMIONE: Uh, we find ourselves, I think.

HARRY: Ugh, that sounds like some Buddhist thing to say.

HERMIONE: *ignores Harry*

They walk up to the Whomping Willow just in time to see Ron get pulled in. Past Harry and Hermione follow… Some time passes, and Lupin walks by, using a spell to freeze the tree. Then he enters. More time passes… and Snape follows. For some reason the tree is still paralyzed. Emily is sucking on a lollipop with a bored expression while Harry explains to Hermione what he saw across the lake. Finally they all come out, and eventually Lupin turns into a werewolf again. Snape ditches them, Wormtail gets away… and then Lupin turns to attack Sirius, who has turned into a dog.

HERMIONE: Awoooooo!

HARRY: Hermione, what are you doing?

HERMIONE: Saving your life!

HARRY: Oh. Thanks.

HERMIONE: Awooooooooo!

Lupin turns around and sniffs the air, then howls back and starts running towards them.

HARRY: Great, now he's coming for us.

HERMIONE: Well, I didn't count on that.

Lupin then stops, runs back up to throw Sirius off the hill, then starts chasing Harry and Hermione again.

HARRY: I've seen it happen twice now, and I still don't get it.

HERMIONE: Never mind that, Harry; run!

Harry and Hermione sprint farther into the forest, when they run into a rather smexy elf wearing a maid suit.

LEGOLAS: Hello again, fellow humans! It is I, Leggy the House Elf, come to your assistance again!

HERMIONE: Oh, Legolas!

HARRY: Hey, aren't you that guy who tried to save us from the giant fairy two years ago? Wow. You really are more attractive than Dobby.

LEGOLAS: Why, of course I am. I'm from Lord of the Rings.

HERMIONE: Where do you keep coming from, anyway?

LEGOLAS: Oh, Aragog rented me an apartment not that far from here. But never mind that. Now, what is your problem, exactly?  
HARRY: Werewolf! *points to Lupin catching up in the background*

LEGOLAS: Ah. Never liked them; they always cheat at card games. But that's okay, because it's Leggy the House Elf to the rescue! Fear my Feather Duster of Doom, foul beast!

HERMIONE: Just don't kill him, he's a teacher!

HARRY: Hermione, I really don't think he'll be able to do much damage with a…

Harry and Hermione watch in awe as Legolas beats the crap out of Lupin with his feather duster.

HARRY: …Alright, I guess he can. Let's just get out of here!

They run to the other end of the lake, where they see Past Harry and Sirius being attacked by the dementors.

HARRY: Okay, this is where my dad shows up and kicks some dementor ass!

HERMIONE: Harry… no one's coming.

HARRY: Just wait; he'll be here.

HERMIONE: Harry… you're dying.

HARRY: Well, that's not good. *walks up to the edge of the water* EXPECTO PATRONUM!

The giant patronus comes again, as well as the stag.

HARRY: Woah, did you see me, Hermione? I was awesome!

HERMIONE: Yes, I saw, Harry.

HARRY: And I knew I could do it… because I already did it! Does that make any sense?

HERMIONE: No, not at all.

HARRY: *pouts* Fine. Do we save Sirius now?

HERMIONE: Of course not. We wait until they come to pick Other You and him up, then we follow and rescue him.

HARRY: But that seems completely pointless. Why?

HERMIONE: *shrugs*

Harry and Hermione fly up to where Sirius is being kept prisoner sometime later on Buckbeak and let him out.

SIRIUS: Oh, thank you! Wait, how did you two… Oh, never mind that. Thanks anyway. Hey, do you mind if I steal this hippogriff? Thanks.

Sirius jumps on Buckbeak and ditches them before they even get to say anything.

HERMIONE: Hmph. Sounds like someone I know.

HARRY: Who, Ron?  
HERMIONE: Uh… never mind.

Harry and Hermione then run all the way back to the hospital wing just as Dumbledore walks out of it.

HARRY: Professor! We did it!

DUMBY: Did what?  
HARRY: You know! We first saved Buckbeak from being executed, and then after they took Sirius to-

HERMIONE: Harry, I think that was a rhetorical question.

HARRY: Oh. Whoops.

DUMBY: *rolls his eyes and walks down the stairs*

HARRY: Hey, how was I supposed to know?

HERMIONE: Just… Shut up.

In the hospital wing

RON: Who the-? What the-? Why the-? WTF is going on here! First you're over there… and then you come in over here… and then you're not there, and… and… Whuh?

HERMIONE: Don't be ridiculous, Ron. You can't be in two places at once.

EMILY: *thinks about saying something to ruin that great line*

AUDIENCE: *sighs of relief*

EMILY: *decides to ruin it anyway* Yes you can! I've done it!

AUDIENCE: *facepalm*

The next morning, or some other morning, or… Aw, who even cares?

Harry walks into the Great Hall to see everyone crowding around a package.

HARRY: What's going on?

RON: I'm sorry, Harry! I didn't open it. They made me do it! *points to Fred and George*

BOTH: Did not!

FRED: Okay, we might've. But she gave us the idea! *points to Emily*

EMILY: *looks of disbelief*

HARRY: Oh. Well, in that case, I'm not surprised at all.

RANDOM STUDENT: It's a Firebolt!

HARRY: A what? How could someone send me a fire bolt?

HERMIONE: It's a broom model, Harry.

HARRY: Oh. Is it better than the Slytherin team's Nimbus 2001s?

RON: Yes!

HARRY: Sweet! Wait, who sent it? I'm not supposed to take things from strangers – not that I listen to that much anyway, but still.

RON: There's no letter, but it came with this. *holds up one of Buckbeak's feathers*

HERMIONE: *winks at Harry*

HARRY: Aw, that poor, poor bird! Hey, who wants to see me try it out?

STUDENTS: We do!

HARRY: Yay!

Harry grabs the broom and runs outdoors, the mob of students following him, and purposely leaving the present's wrapping in the Great Hall to piss off Filch. He jumps onto the broom, flies up into the air, and… crashes into a giant invisible wall.

HARRY: Hey, that wasn't there yesterday…

AUDIENCE: *glare at Emily*

EMILY: What? The movie does freeze there before the credits, and personally I think it looks like he's crashing into a giant invisible wall.

AUDIENCE: But that's just so… you.

EMILY: And that's why it's my opinion. And script, for better or for worse. Now, Harry: Before the movie is over, would you like to say what you've learned this year?

HARRY: Uh… Always check for giant invisible walls before jumping onto your new Firebolt randomly to show off to a mob of students?

EMILY: Well, maybe if I had said 'safety lessons'.

HERMIONE: I think she was going for something a little more… general, Harry.

HARRY: Oh, right. Um, I know… uh… Always check for a pulse before automatically assuming someone's dead because they might not be?

AUDIENCE: *groans* The movie should be over by now…

EMILY: Actually, I was referring to something like 'never blame someone for causing the plot without any proof', which I figured you would've known after learning the lesson for three years in a row, but I guess not. Aw, well; at least there's still next near.

AUDIENCE: *horrified looks*

HARRY: Oh, okay.  
RON: *whimpers* We never got to play in the girls' bathroom this year…

HARRY: You know, the year technically isn't over yet. We still could.

RON: *hopeful look* Really?

HARRY: I'll race you there! *jumps onto his Firebolt and races down the hallway*  
RON: Cheater! *tries to catch up desperately*

HERMIONE: *shakes her head* Boys…

EMILY: Well, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Thanks for watching! I mean, listening… reading. Whatever! The end! *looks back towards Harry and Ron making their way to the girls' bathroom* Hey, guys! Wait up! *dashes off after them*

The audience, seeing this as the perfect opportunity, get up to leave the theater. Unfortunately, they're currently unaware of the fact that Emily will have them all back in their seats in time for year four, but we'll let them worry about that later.

JULIA: Yay?

EMILY: The End!


End file.
